How Can Life Go On?
by where-did-life-go
Summary: Edward left Bella, Bella didn't have Jacob to be her sun. No ones there for her. So what if one night she can't help it, and all the bottled up emotions come pouring over. What if she can't handle it anymore? Warning: cutting, alcohol,and drugs.
1. Preface

**How Can Life Go On?**

_He left. I can't believe he left me. I loved him, but he never wanted me. He left me. But I need to move on, but I can't. He ripped out my heart, and left a hole in its place. It feels like I died the day in the forest, when he said those words, but yet I'm still walking. How can this be?_

He's gone. I loved him, he never loved me, and so he left. End of story. But why does it hurt so much? I can't live without him. I need this pain out of my soul, but how? How, how will it leave? It's eating at me, and stabbing me like 1,000 knifes. I know he's gone. But my brain and body won't process it. It's just so painful.

I don't know what came over me, but I got up from my crouched position on my bed and walked downstairs. I went to mine and Charlie's Junk Drawer. Thank goodness he went fishing with Billy over the weekend. I needed time alone. I fished in it for a good 5 minutes. Then I found what I was looking for. I pulled out a pair of scissors, and an old-fashioned shaving knife **(A/N: pic on profile.)** I walked back upstairs in a zombie-like trance. And walked right into the bathroom.

I grabbed the scissors, and looked straight at the mirror. I parted my hair at the crown and cut. I cut, and cut, and cut. Until my hair was layered. But that wasn't enough, I had to do more. I grabbed my hair and started razoring it. I looked under the sink and found some bleach. I put platinum blonde streaks and my hair. Now it was perfect. He always did love my hair… well now it's gone. And so is he.

I left the mess in the bathroom, and walked to my bedroom. I grabbed some untouched bags Ali… she bought me. Her name hurt almost as much as his did. I grabbed a few bags, and looked through them. Mostly pink frew-frew crap. But I found a black box in the corner of my closest, which had the word "Iron Fist" on it in silver italic writing. I opened it and it had a pair of skinny jeans with a blue tiger head on the back pocket, and a shirt with a cat's skull with a bow on its ear, and cross-bones. Perfect. **(A/N: Clothes on profile.)**

I went back into the bathroom to clean up. I threw away the hair. And walked downstairs, to put the scissors and razor back. But as I walked down the stairs I felt empty. I felt like I hated my life like I wanted it to end. I didn't feel this way the whole time I was fixing my look. I need to fix this feeling. I threw the scissors on the counter, and unfolded the razor. I stared at the bladed, and stood over the sink. I ran the blade across my left arm softly, taking 2 or 3 layers of skin. Leaving a small pink line. It felt good, but it wasn't enough…

**A/N: Cliffie!!! Oh well. If you want to read on, and you want me to continue… REVIEW!!!**


	2. Time To Get Away

**How Can Life Go On?**

**How Can Life Go On?**

**Chapter One: Time To Get Away**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters, and I don't own Slipped Away by Avril Lavinge.**

_Na na, na na na, na na  
I miss you, miss you so bad  
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad  
I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly_

_The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
Ooooh_

I moved the razor back to my skin. But this time I pushed a little harder. And ran it across my skin. I watched the crimson liquid oozed out of my veins. I whispered to myself, 'He always wanted this… now I'm letting it freely fall down my kitchen sink. I wonder why he didn't just drain me in the forest, if he wanted this so much. He didn't want me. So why not. Am I that repulsive?!'

I spat at the sink just thinking about him. That was new. I think I'm getting better.

I cleaned up the mess of blood in the sink. But kept the razor. I might need it for later. I ran to my room… when I got there and opened the door, for the first time, I hated what I saw. There was blue, green, yellow. Happy colors. I looked away quickly. I turned slightly, to see it. The window. The window he used to climb threw! I grabbed the first heavy thing I felt, and threw it. As it shattered into a millions… I was happy. And a smile was plastered on my face. And for the first time in months… it wasn't fake. It reached my eyes.

_Na na na na na na na_

__

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can't

Oooooh  
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

_The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
Ooooh_

Then I noticed what I threw. I threw my old CD player. I was fine with that, I hate music. Since he loves it. I can't listen to it, without it reminding me of him. God I hate him. He ruined EVERYTHING for me. Fuck just thinking about his shitty self made my pissed. I turned and punched a hole right into the wall. It was riveting.

_I had my wake up  
Won't you wake up  
I keep asking why  
And I can't take it  
It wasn't fake  
It happened, you passed by_

_Now you are gone, now you are gone  
There you go, there you go  
Somewhere I can't bring you back  
Now you are gone, now you are gone  
There you go, there you go,  
Somewhere your not coming back_

I punched and smashed more things in my room until it was complete chaos. I went to my closet, and grabbed all the crappy clothes, and threw them into huge plastic bags, and marked them "Good-Will."

But I came across something. In the back of my closet. A blue shirt. The blue shirt. The blue shirt HE always said was beautiful on me! What a fucking liar! I yanked it off the hanger and stumbled down the stairs. I ran to the drawer and grabbed some matches. Ran to the backyard. Set the shirt smoothly on the ground. And sat it AFLAME. And wanted it burn into the night sky.

I knew I couldn't stay in forks. To many memories. I went to my room and packed all the clothes left in my closet, and tossed them into a duffle bag. Counted the money I had. $5325, perfect. And grabbed a pair of black and pink peep-toe skimmers. And grabbed a piece of paper, and pen. I was ready it write the hardest letter Charlie would ever read.

_**Dear Charlie,**_

_** Hate you. Hate Forks. Sorry 'bout the mess and window.**_

_** Your Daughter,**_

_** Bella**_

_** P.S. Love Ya!**_

_** XOXOXO**_

I'm goanna miss him.

* * *

** Love it. Hate it. Review it. Flame it! I take anything pointers, they help. Reviews, they make me feel good. Flame it, helps me make my story better.**


	3. Charlie's Letter

**How Can Life Go On?**

**Chapter Two: Why?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters, and I don't own Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.**

_When I was a young boy,  
My father took me into the city  
To see a marching band._

_He said, "Son when you grow up,  
would you be the savior of the broken,  
the beaten and the damned?"  
He said "Will you defeat them,  
your demons, and all the non-believers,  
the plans that they have made?"  
"Because one day I'll leave you,  
A phantom to lead you in the summer,  
To join The Black Parade."_

I came home from the weekend fishing trip. The first thing I noticed was the broken glass, and Bella's broken stereo system, in my front lawn. What the hell? I quickly went inside, and found a note from Bella on the kitchen table. I unfolded it and was shocked at what it said.

_When I was a young boy,  
My father took me into the city  
To see a marching band.  
He said, "Son when you grow up,  
would you be the savior of the broken,  
the beaten and the damned?"_

_Sometimes I get the feeling she's watching over me.  
And other times I feel like I should go.  
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.  
And when you're gone we want you all to know_ .

_**Dear Charlie,**_

_**Hate you. Hate Forks. Sorry 'bout the mess and window.**_

_**Your Daughter,**_

_**Bella**_

_**P.S. Love Ya!**_

_**XOXOXO**_

This has something to do with Cullen doesn't it! When will the torment stop! My poor Bella I quickly grabbed the phone and called 9-1-1. Where would she go?

_We'll carry on,  
We'll carry on  
And though you're dead and gone believe me  
Your memory will carry on  
We'll carry on  
And in my heart I can't contain it  
The anthem won't explain it._

_A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams  
Your misery and hate will kill us all.  
So paint it black and take it back  
Let's shout it loud and clear  
Defiant to the end we hear the call_

* * *

**Well the next chapter will be in Bella's point of view. And also about next chapter it takes 1 or 2 days before Charlie gets home from fishing.**

**I know this chapter was short i'll try to make them longer.**

**R**

**E**

**V**

**I**

**E**

**W!** (or flame…)


	4. My New Friends

**How Can Life Go On?**

**Chapter Three: My New Friends**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight or characters. Or Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones, or Pain by 3 Days Grace**

_I see a red door and I want it painted black  
No colors anymore I want them to turn black  
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes  
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes_

___I see a line of cars and they're all painted black  
With flowers and my love, both never to come back  
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away  
Like a newborn baby it just happens everyday_

___No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue  
I could not forsee this thing happening to you  
If I look hard enough into the setting sun  
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes_

I got to Seattle Airport, and looked at the charts over head. The soonest and cheapest was to Healy, Alaska. **(A/N: 150 mi. from Denali, I wonder what will happen hmm?)** I decided _"What the hell?"_ And bought a one-way ticket.

20 minutes later I boarded the plane. I looked out the window one last time. I'm not going to miss it. Then someone sat down next to me. Pale skin, gold eyes, and strawberry blonde hair. _Tanya Denali_. No it couldn't be… could it? "Are you Tanya Denali?"

"Yes… how do you know me?" I didn't really want to answer this question, but oh well, more pain, I don't care. "I'm Edward Cullen's ex-girlfriend." I choked out the words. She had a shocked look on her face, and then turned away.

_I look inside myself and see my heart is black  
I see my red door and it has been painted black  
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts  
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black_

__

I see a red door and I want it painted black  
No colors anymore I want them to turn black  
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes  
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm...

_I wanna see it painted black, painted black  
Black as night, black as coal  
I wanna see the sun, blotted out from the sky  
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black  
Yeah  
_

"Why are you leaving Forks?" She sounded not really curious, but smug... "To many memories, why were you in Seattle?" I said with a smug smile. "I was in Portland, and had to switch planes in Seattle." I said 'Oh' silently. "Have you seen Edward lately?" she questioned with a smug grin, I wanted to slam it off… "No, have you?" "Why yes, yes I have. Alice called me and said we had a premier engagement coming up." She exclaimed with a cackle. What did Edward tell me all those months ago. "You're lying. Edward told me once that he would never go for you. He does prefer brunettes." I said laughing out loud. Her face was priceless. She quickly got up, and left. I didn't see her, the rest of the flight.

_Hmm, hmm, hmm..._

* * *

_Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_

When we landed, I knew it would be hella cold outside. I quickly grabbed my bag and pulled out a black and white checkered moto jacket, and some lite tan uggs. **(Pictures on Profile.)** Not 5 minutes later, I was off the plane. On my own.

I walked around the small town with my bag full of shit, trailing behind me. When I came across a guy across a guy no older than 20. He was laying against the alley wall, with a cigarette in his hand, and his eyes close. I quietly walked over to him, and nudged his shoulder. He opened his eyes, and spoke. "Hi." He said with a thick English brogue. I laughed, "Hey… I'm Bella." I said, sitting down and extending my hand. "Sebastian." **(His Picture on Profile.) **He shook it. We introduced our self's, he told me he was from Birmingham, England, **(remember…it's important to the story later.)** and I told him I where I was from.

_You're sick of feeling numb  
You're not the only one  
I'll take you by the hand  
And I'll show you a world that you can understand  
This life is filled with hurt  
When happiness doesn't work  
Trust me and take my hand  
When the lights go out you will understand_

"So what brings you to Alaska?" He asked, actually interested in our conversation, "I had a bad break up, and the small town reminded me to much of him, what brings you to Alaska?" I asked raising an eyebrow suspiciously, that made him laugh. "My cousins Harrison and Addie live here." Makes sense. He brought the cigarette to his lips, and breathed in, then breathed out a big white puff of smoke. "Oh where is my gentlemanly manners, do you want one?"

I was about to say no, but I thought about again. "Sure." I said with a smile. He grabbed one out of the box, and lit it with a match, and handed it to me. I looked at it for a moment, twisting it in my fingers. Then I brought it up to my lips, and inhaled.

**I liked it…**

_Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_

_

* * *

_

_Anger and agony  
Are better than misery  
Trust me I've got a plan  
When the lights go off you will understand_

He got up, and dusted himself off. "Hey, you want to meet my people?" He told me about his people. His cousins Harrison, Addie, and all his friends Josh, Manda, Kylie, and Julius. **(Pictures on Profile.)** "Okay." I said, and stood up.

_Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing  
Rather feel pain_

We walked awhile, just talking about random crap. Then we came to an average size 2 story house. **(Picture on Profile.)** "Well we're here." He whispered to me. We walked up to the porch, then Sebastian put his had on the door knob, and held his finger to his lips making the 'SHH' action. We walked two steps when he screamed out, "HONEY I'M HOME!" I just had to laugh. Sebastian and I laughed for a little while, up until a short tiny girl, no taller that 5'3 ran down the stairs, screeching, "Sebby, Sebby, Sebby!"

That just made me laugh even harder, she reminded me so much of the little pixie I knew. She came to a halt in front of us, and pointed a finger to me, "Who's she?" She asked, rocking back and forth on her heel. "Addie, Bella. Bella, Addie." He said, introducing with his hand. Then he brought me into what I presumed to be the living room. With I guess all the people.

Sebastian put his arm around my waist, and put his hand out to all the people. "Okay Bella, this is Kylie," He put his and out in front a petite, girl; she gave a small shy smile back to my wave. "And her boyfriend, my cousin, Harrison." He put his hand in front of a guy with dirty blonde hair and blue-green eyes, with his arm slung over Kylie. He gave me an extended chin and a 'Sup' for a hello. "You've met Addie… this is her fiancée Julius." I said hello to a boy with brownish black hair covering his eyes. Who had little Addie on his lap. "This is Manda and Josh." I smiled at a red headed woman reading a magazine, with her head a rather large mans lap.

**And that's how I met my new friends.**

_That I'm here to save you  
You know (You know you know you know you know)  
I'm always here for you  
I know (I know I know I know I know)  
That you'll thank me later_

_Pain, without love  
Pain, can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Rather feel pain than nothing at all_

We walked for awhile, just talking about random crap. Then we came to an average size 2 story house. (Picture on Profile.) "Well we're here." He whispered to me. We walked up to the porch, then Sebastian put his had on the door knob, and held his finger to his lips making the 'SHH' action. We walked two steps when he screamed out, "HONEY I'M HOME!" I just had to laugh. Sebastian and I laughed for a little while, up until a short tiny girl, no taller that 5'3 ran down the stairs, screeching, "Sebby, Sebby, Sebby!"

That just made me laugh even harder, she reminded me so much of the little pixie I knew. She came to a halt in front of us, and pointed a finger to me, "Who's she?" She asked, rocking back and forth on her heel. "Addie, Bella. Bella, Addie." He said, introducing with his hand. Then he brought me into what I presumed to be the living room. With I guess all the people.

Sebastian put his arm around my waist, and put his hand out to all the people. "Okay Bella, this is Kylie," He put his and out in front a petite, girl; she gave a small shy smile back to my wave. "And her boyfriend, my cousin, Harrison." He put his hand in front of a guy with dirty blonde hair and blue-green eyes, with his arm slung over Kylie. He gave me an extended chin and a 'Sup' for a hello. "You've met Addie… this is her fiancée Julius." I said hello to a boy with brownish black hair covering his eyes. Who had little Addie on his lap. "This is Manda and Josh." I smiled at a red headed woman reading a magazine, with her head a rather large mans lap.

And that's how I met my new friends.

_I know (I know I know I know I know)  
That you're wounded  
You know (You know you know you know you know)  
That I'm here to save you  
You know (You know you know you know you know)  
I'm always here for you  
I know (I know I know I know I know)  
That you'll thank me later_

_Pain, without love  
Pain, can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Rather feel pain than nothing at all  
Rather feel pain_

_

* * *

_

**I told you I'd give you a long one... anyway all the pics on my profile. Hate it or Love it. REVIEW! I'm updating so soon because I have to move right soon... tear... and Aidan has a project do on where his ancestors are from, I have to help him with learning about Scotland. So ya. Hopefully I'll update within the month. **


	5. Life Goes On

**How Can Life Go On?**

Chapter Four: Life Goes On

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or characters, and I don't own The End by MCR

_Now come one come all to this tragic affair_  
_Wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair_  
_So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot_  
_You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not_

_**4 Months Later**_

It's been four months, and thirteen days since I left the small redneck town of Forks. And I couldn't be happier! Life is totally different living with these new people. Addie became more of a friend than Alice ever was. Josh is like a new Emmett, Harrison was like a brother to me, Kylie was a perfect person to talk to, unless she's pissy, Julius is my own special dude, and Manda is like a nicer Rosalie. Sort of. And Sebastian, well Sebastian. It's really weird. I want us to be more than friends; he wants us to be more than friends we just can't get to that point.

But anyway…more important news, my friends are all drug addicts! Yep. And I guess I joined the wrong crowd…heh. If only HE could see me now! I cut myself every night; I do drugs like its candy, and drink repeatedly. And he thought I wouldn't be reckless, well he broke his promises too.

_If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see_  
_You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me_  
_So gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye_  
_I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won't cry_

Its just weird how when you never wanted this type of things to happen to you, but they always end up happening? Well pain helps you gain, and self control is a skill. But yet here I am. Laying on my bed, getting over a heroin high, bleeding from my wrist, but being able to thing of…him. Huh…its weird how life has its ups and downs, but yet you'll always find yourself down, when the flood gates open.

Tis like pains a ritual for me. But I'm getting quiet bored of it. I just want it to end, all of it. But I don't want to leave this life unfinished, but is there more I can do? I don't think there is? But is there? Tis strange how epiphanies fall upon you at the strangest moments. Like when you're ready to give up, but then you find you're not ready to end this miserable tragedy we all call life.

I was still wallowing with self-pity, when I heard a voice at the door, "Hey, Hey! May I come in? Pretty pretty, please?"

"No won't even stop you Addie, so come on in…" I said in a dull voice, the pain was starting to come back, because the high has worn off, and the blood has crusted over. Huh…why can't I just be left alone, when I'm ready to die? Someone always has to come to me.

"Oh dearest Bella, look at you… YOU'RE A MESS!" I snickered at this. Just what a girl likes to hear. Before I knew it, Adie was wiping off the dry blood for my wrists with a cold compress, and bandaging them up. "Now let's get you into the shower," she said in a low cooing voice. Her voice was always right for the occasion.

_Another contusion, my funeral jag_  
_Here's my resignation, I'll serve it in drag_  
_You've got front row seats to the penitence ball_  
_When I grow up I want to be nothing at all!_

After I got out of the shower I got dressed, in a simple plaid long sleeve shirt with a black tie, some distressed jeans, a loose black beanie, an orange belts and sunglasses, pink heart studs, and red gel bracelets. While Addie did my make-up. When that was all finish we went down stairs.

I ran and jumped on the couch, right next to Kylie, who I guess, was having a pissy day, because she gave me a glare that scared the shit out of me. I quickly backed up to the other side of the couch holding on to dear life to the arm rest. Kylie may be small, but she is _really scary_.

Sebastian came in then a picked me up from my crowding position and put me on his lap. I might have said that we were only friends. But we were special friends; like friends with benefits. Wink, wink. But I was okay with at. I knew Sebastian was the kind of guy that would use me, and then lose me. Like someone I knew.

"So how is my special girl this morning?" Uh, I missed that English accent. "I was just fine, but where were you last night Mister?" I said poking his nose, when saying 'you.' It was fun when we playing this little game of Cat and Mouse.

"I was doing important shit, important man-shit." **(A/N: Sorry I just had to use this line…I say it all the time…)** We all laughed at this comment, but I didn't push then conversation any more. We were just sitting there, when all the sudden I was being tackled by a building.

"JOSH GET THE **FUCK** OFF OF ME!" I said trying to push off. "Come on Bella, I don't see you for 2 days, and you wont even say _hi_ to me? Well you Bella are a biznitch…" I didn't let him finish, because I kneed him in the nuts and ran away, laughing.

_I said yeah, yeah!_  
_I said yeah, yeah!_

I went up to my room, and walked around. Then I came across a thought that hasn't crossed my mind in over 4 months. Wasn't Tanya Denali, on the plane with me? Isn't Denali really close to Healy? Weren't the Cullen's really good friends with the Denali's? What if the Cullen's came to live with them, and they only lived 150 mi. I don't think I could handle that.

I started to hyperventilate when I felt two arms wrapped around my waist. I fell back on the arms that were keeping my stable and protected. I looked up at the face of the one person that would always be there for me. Sebastian Webb. **_My savior._**

_C'mon C'mon C'mon I said_  
_(Save me!) Get me the hell out of here_  
_(Save me!) Too young to die and my dear_  
_(You can't!) If you can hear me just walk away and_  
_(Take me!) _

_

* * *

_

**Sorry I haven't updated soon, its just that i just had to move, and then my 18 year old sister is pregnant, so she came to live with me and its **

**Just been so hard. So i really need something that will make me happy and get me away from all these pregnancy hormones. So please review.**

**Not just for me, but for my unborn niece/nephew? Please?**

**Love You All,**

**Julienne McKenzie **


	6. The Pain Just Won't Go Away

How Can Life Go On?

**Chapter Five: The Pain Just Won't Go Away **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Sunday Bloody Sunday by Paramore.**

_I can't believe the news today__  
__Oh, I can't close my eyes and make it go away__  
__How long, how long must we sing this song?__  
__How long, how long?__  
__Tonight, we can be as one tonight_

I just got back from shopping with Kylie. I have to say shopping with her is a lot easier than shopping with Alice…but any who! I was going up to Sebastian's room to see what he was doing; because he wasn't in the basement with the rest of them.

I marched up the stairs, ran down the hall to a black painted door. Ah…Sebastian's bedroom. I heard punk rock bumping from his room. He wouldn't hear if I knocked. I walked in to see Sebastian scrolled across the ground. With long, deep cuts up his arm. I ran over to him, and put his head in my lap. I opened his eyes and saw that they rolled back into his head, and he was ghostly pale. He was heaving for breathe too.

_Broken bottles under children's feet__  
__And bodies strewn across the dead end street__  
__But I won't heed the battle call__  
__It puts my back up__  
__Puts my back up against the wall_

I didn't know what to do. My Sebastian was dying! I called Addie, with as much panic and pain I haven't heard since Edward left. Don't think of that right now Bella…not right now. Seconds after I called Addie burst in through the door, followed by everyone else. I looked up at all their shocked faces, I screamed for them to help, but it seemed they didn't hear. What the fuck?!

"HELP ME, HELP HIM!" They finally got the point, and they came rushing over to me. Josh picked him out of my arms, while Kylie and Addie help me from the ground. We all rushed down the stairs and into the car. I just hope Sebastian makes it to the hospital…

_Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday_

We were at Interior Community Health Care for one hour now, and we don't know how he's doing. Harrison and Addie got to go in and visit him since they're family. But they haven't come out yet. What could take this long?

Finally they walked out of the room, and Harrison spoke up, "He will live but he is in a slight coma, and he suffered from major blood loss. Thank god that Bella found him at that time, if she was just minutes later, he would have died." He said with a small smile to me, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Bella, you can go visit him, if you want." Addie piped in.

I stood up, "Thanks," I whispered passing them. - I walked into his room and saw him lying on the bed, lifeless and still. I walked over to the bed side, and sat in a chair. I grabbed his hand, and spoke sweet nothings in his ear the whole night. Just waiting till morning. When a nurse came in, "Sweetie I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave. We need to work on his machines, and fluids." I nodded, and laid a kiss upon Sebastian's cheek. And I saw his eyes flick. I don't know how long I can handle this.

_And the battle's just begun__  
__There's many lost, but tell me who has won__  
__The trench is dug within our hearts__  
__And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart_

I ran to the waiting room, feeling a hot liquid rolling down my cheeks. When I got to the waiting room, I kept on running. I ran to Julius' car and jump in. I folded down the fizzer and the spare key fell into my hand. I started the car, and drove off into sight.

I drove to the alley where I first met Sebastian, also where they sell some kinds of items. I drove to the alley, and saw our sales pitch Greg. I jogged up to him, pulled out a $10 bill. "Hey Bella, what can I do for you tonight?" Greg said twitching all over. "Just a dime bag my friend." I said with a smile as pulled out a plastic baggie. "Oh and can I buy some papers?" I said pulling out another dollar. He handed me the merchandise, and I handed him the money. Then he slithered back into the shadows.

I sat down on a fallen over a trash can. Wrapped a joint and lit it. I sat there smoking my weed, when all the sudden I heard something rustling on top of the building in front of me. I looked up, but I didn't see anything, maybe it was just the high? I don't know. But all the sudden I saw something flying off the top of the building, right in front of me…Edward.

_Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday_

**Edward's P.O.V.**

I went hunting, by myself. The first time in so long, my family didn't trust me anymore to be by myself. I knew I was traveling to far north, but oh well. No one cares anyway. Not since I left my love. And now Alice can't see her future. Her last vision of Bella was when she was bringing a blade to her wrist, about to slice. Then all went black. My Bella, where is she now? Is she okay? What lead her to do that to herself? Did I do that?

I was thinking all these questions when I came across a smell I remembered oh so fondly. The scent of freesia and strawberries. Bella's scent. I rushed to the building by where the scent was strongest, but the scent was mixed with a different scent. But what was it? It was a kind of herb, but what? I jumped from the roof top I was standing on to see Bella smoking the strange herb. Wait, all of Emmett's television shows flashing by, the 80's, and 70's, and 60's… SHE WAS SMOKING MARAJUIANA! But the fear that was in her eyes turned to shock, then turned to anger. Wait what?

_How long, how long must we sing this song?__  
__How long, how long?_

**Bella's P.O.V.**

I quickly put out the joint and stood up. "Hello Edward, what the fuck do you want?" I looked him straight in the eyes; I knew mine were filled with hatred. His were shocked.

"I knew your scent anywhere love, I came to see you." I was about to strangle him! "First of all Edward," I said sneering his name, "I'm not _your _Love. I'll never be your love again. Not since you left me in the forest saying YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME! And second of all, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU!" I said walking away from him. I knew when I felt a cold hand on my shoulder it was his. Couldn't he just leave me alone!

"Please Bella, just listen to me…I loved you, I still love you. I miss you! Please just come to my house and visit my family…our family." He said whining like a five year old.

"No Edward, I'm busy. You know, doing drugs, cutting myself, and curing my suicidal sex partner from the self inflected coma." I said with a sweetly sick smile, with as much sarcasm as my words. He looked shocked. Good.

"Bella you don't mean that…I know I just caught you doing something, but I'm sure that's a first, and that you don't harm yourself-even if Alice had that vision-, and I'm sure you don't hang out with people like that. And you would not partake in that physical action." I just had to laugh at this comment, could he be this stupid?

"_Excuse you_ Edward, but you shall not disrespect my friends and family. They are **way **better than you and your family. They actually listen to me, unlike you! GOD! Can't you get it through your thick ass head that _I hate you_!" If he was shocked before, I don't even have a word for this.

_And it's true we are immune__  
__When fact is fiction and TV reality__  
__And today the millions cry__  
__We eat and drink while tomorrow they die, yeah_

I got a cigarette out of my back pocket, lit it, and blew it into his face. I kneed him were it would have hurt, but it ending up hurting my more. But he humored me. I grabbed my contents that lay spread next to the forgotten trash can, and walked away. But where to go? Who gives a flying fuck!?

I jumped into Julius' car and drove to Healy River Airport, and looked at the flight schedules. I think I want to go visit Charlie. You know for one last hurrah. Its going to be nice to see him. I wonder if he liked my letter? It was nice. It flowed, without rhymes! Uh! What has this world come to!

_I wipe the tears from your eyes__  
__I wipe your tears away __  
__(Tonight, tonight) __  
__I wipe your tears away __  
__(Tonight, tonight) __  
__I wipe your tears away __  
__(Tonight, tonight) __  
__I wipe your bloodshot eyes __  
__(Tonight, tonight)_

I got back to the house and packed all my stuff, and grabbed the other plane ticket I would cash in that Esme and Carlisle got me. Nice people…idiot son. Any who! I got back to the car and drove back to the airport.

I cashed in the ticket and got on the first plane out. Down to Seattle we go! I can't wait to see Charlie! I've actually been kind of missing him. He was once my father. And the chief of the police. So maybe I should see him sober… Well you never know!

_Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__(The real battle just begun)__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__(To claim the victory Jesus won on...)_

Just hopefully dickhead and family aren't there. They do have a house there, and I do remember him being stalkerish. I can't believe times have changed so much. I used to wish that he would waste his time with me. But now I can't stand him! He just doesn't deserve me; the way he said he didn't want me, and said he didn't love me.

He just ruined my life, he ruined my heart, and he ruined everything! Just because Jasper had a slip and Edward can't stand anything unless it's perfect! Another reason why he left me… he just doesn't understand! I've changed! I'm not the sweet little Bella he left 7 months ago. I'm a new person! And this new person has nothing to do with Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. I'm the new Bella Swan.

_Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
__Sunday, bloody Sunday__  
_

**A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while just things have really gone done hill. Like I said how my sister was pregnant well, the baby is a nice healthy bouncing baby boy! But my Little Sister that was only 18 years of age didn't make it. So may Betha Blaine McKenzie rest in piece. And may Derek Lexan McKenzie grow to be healthy and happy. **

**And also some more bad information, I got into a bad car accident, with my friend Leo Pearson. We got into a head collision with a drunk driver. My friend Leo broke 2 vertebrae in his back, but soon it will heal. But me on the contrary, I had a deep break, in my left leg, in my knee, thigh, and lower leg. I will never be able to use it again. I did now right this to get sympathy; I wrote this to tell you I may now update next week or the week after. My story will have large breaks I just please ask that don't be rude. I'm also sorry that I haven't update in awhile. It seems that I have lawyers, and doctors jumping down my neck all the time.**

**I Wish You Well,**

**Julienne Kerr McKenzie**


	7. Don't Be A Bitch

**How Can Life Go On?**

**Chapter Five: ****If You're Going To Be A Bitch, At Least Bitch To My Face.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Ready, Set, Go by Tokio Hotel.**

_We were running though the town__  
__Our senses had been drowned__  
__No place we hadn't been before_

I can't believe I'm going home. Who am I kidding…I don't have a home. I've never had. Things are just so strange now in my life, everything is changing, and nothing is the same. The weird thing is…I like it that way. Life keeps changing but you have to go with the flow. No one has any authority over your life but yourself. And that's how I'm going to live life now. To the fullest.

_We learned to live and then__  
__Our freedom came to an end__  
__We have to break down this wall__  
__Too young to live a lie__  
__Look into my eyes_

I'm finally boarding my plane…easy take off…easy take off. Damn. What do I see in the seats ahead of me you ask? I see a slicked back head of blonde hair, next to waves of caramel colored hair; in front of them I see a dazzling bun of hay colored hair, next to a huge man with brown curls; in front of that I see the tippidy top of shaggy black hair, next to golden curls, and stuck in the corner was a mess of bronze hair.

They have to ruin everything for me!

Well I'm going to act like they aren't even here, that's what I'm going to do! Now where is my fake I.D. Oh here it is! Now let me just call over a stewardess, hopefully not the bitchy kind…I was wrong. "How may I help you?" She said in an aggravated sort of way. Bitch. I haven't even said anything…

"Um…yes could you get me some Jack Daniel's." I asked with a sickly sweet smile…same one I wanted to slap off her face right now.

She looked at me and raised a horribly drawn eyebrow-fake ass whore-but then she started speaking in her aggravated tone, "I'll need to see some I.D. please." She smirked at me. And not those happy smirks that make you want to laugh. But those asshole-ish smirks that make you want to punch that person out.

I grabbed my fake I.D. and gave it to her. She looked at me, then at it, then at me again. "Fine be right back." It looked like she was a little ticked off. Well she should be, she just go played. Damn I'm good at this!

When she came back, I was **so** happy to see that little bottle of whisky in her hands, I needed it so bad. I wish you could smoke on an airplane…I need a smoke. Oh well. I started to open up the flask. I opened it and when I was bringing it to my lips; I felt a cold hand on my hand that was holding the bottle.

I looked up to see Alice gripping my hand. I glared at her with some much intensity I was surprised she didn't combust into flames. I wish she did. I pulled my hand from hers and brought the bottle to my lips and drained it. It burned so good. Alice looked at me with so much disappointment; it would have hurt if my soul wasn't high right now…

_Ready, set, go it's time to run__  
__The sky is changing we are one__  
__Together we can make it while the world is crashing down__  
__Don't you turn around_

I sat on the plane for another hour, and so far no other Cullen's have come up to me. I was happy about that. But, in some sick way, I was sad to. I sit here mere feet away from the man I used to love. I really do miss him. His beautiful crooked smile, his luscious bronze locks, and gorgeous topaz eyes…STOP BELLA! Just remember what he did to you, remember what brought you here…

It's just disappointing, knowing the man you loved doesn't love you. But he's just a liar. A no good cheat. I hate him. I truly do. He's the one that made my life a living hell. He's the one that ruined all my dreams. He's the one who made me into the person I am now. He made me an alcoholic, drug addict, and cutter. He made me…me.

And he thinks he can just say some nice words, say he wants me back, and I'll just jump into his arms and we would ride off into the sunset in his stupid shiny Volvo. What an idiot. Why can't he just leave me alone? He knows I hate him, I know he's a liar, so why even bother? …Speaking of the devil…in skinny jeans.

"Is this seat empty?" he asked pointing to the seat next to me. Really could he be that stupid? What doesn't it look like Einstein? Oh yeah, my invisible friend Bob just left for a walk outside. But he'll be back later…stupid…

"Yeah it's empty, and this one will be to if you sit down." I said, not even looking at him, and with as much coldness in my voice as I could muster.

"Bella, don't be like that. Please look at me." I didn't look at him. He didn't deserve to see my hollowed, colorless face. He didn't deserve to see my thin, bony arms. He didn't deserve to see my weak, bitter, lifeless hair. He didn't deserve to see me.

"Bella, please look at me. Please love." I didn't want to, but my body didn't listen. I lived my head and look at him. I heard a sharp intake of breath, and a sort of hiss. And I looked back down at once. Stupid Bella.

I felt a prickling in my eyes, and I knew I was close to tears. But why? I haven't cried for so long. "Love, don't cry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; you just caught me by surprise…I love your hair cut…" He said sort of muttering the last part of the sentence, picky up a short piece of my hair, and dropping it. I smooth it back down and pulled my legs to my chest.

"If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times. I'm not your _love._" I said very slowly, my voice frigid. "Also don't lie to me. I've already had enough of that." I turned to the window and looked out at the dark clouds polluting the sky. And I felt a lone tear glide down my face.

"Okay I get it. You want to be left alone." I nodded my head yes, and I heard him get up and leave. God…why do you have to punish me like this? Why do you do this to me? What did I ever do? Oh yeah.

_We are looking back again__  
__On loneliness and pain__  
__Never been so wide awake__  
_

I sat there crying silent tears for 2 hours. Just 30 more minutes of this torture. Then no more. No more of this crap is going to happen. No more of the Cullen's. no more are going to hurt me. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to start a new life, fresh and new. But how am I going to start?

I heard footsteps approaching me; I looked up to see Alice again. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? I rather have bitchy stewardess. But not another Cullen. Especially my ex-best friend. I've missed her so much. But I'm mad she left…which counter balances the other?

"Hi Bella. How have you been?" She sat down in the seat next to me. I looked down at my lap…the only moment I missed my long hair…

"Hi Alice, I've been good. You know doing things and stuff…how 'bout you?" I questioned her. She looked kind of angry. I new my answer wasn't that correct, and she knew it. Oh God. What if she has seen what I've been doing!? Oh shit…oh shitty shit shit…

"Cut the crap Bella. I haven't been able to see you since you brought a razor to your wrist, and that's my next question, why did you do that?" she crossed her little legs, and put her hands on her knees. She was wearing a gray pencil skirt, white button down, square framed glasses she didn't need, silver hoops, black head band, red Jimmy Choo's, and bright red lipstick. Usually Alice.

"Well, what did you think Alice!? Did you think that I would have been all fine and dandy knowing that my so called _family _never loved me? Because if you did, then I feel sorry for you." I said with my voice in a harsh whisper.

"No Bella, I didn't think that. I also thought you wouldn't succumb to this level. I thought you would just get over it and start a family. But I guess I was wrong." You explained examining her nails. I quickly slapped her hand away. If you're going to be a bitch to me, at least bitch to my face.

"Did you even see the future? I thought that was your thing? And I didn't _succumb to this level_ I was left, and went into post partum depression. So excuse **you**. And you can leave now. 'Cause I am." I got up and walked across her, and down the aisle.

_Breathe slowly in and out__  
__somewhere beyond the clouds__  
__I can see the morning break__  
__Too young to live a lie__  
__Look into my eyes_

I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. Jeez when will this pixie learn? "Damn it Alice, I don't give a flying fuck about anymore of your bitchy commen-"I fell short of what I was saying, seeing who it was. "Oh hello Esme. I'm also not in any mood for your bitchy, motherly comments either." I said with a smirk turning back around.

I took a good step before I felt the hand on my shoulder tighten. "There's no reason to talk to me like that Isabella." She scorned, wagging her finger in my face like I was a two year old.

I grabbed her hand and threw it off my shoulder. "Yeah there is. I'm sorry to say, but your sons an idiot. And your family plus you are all jackasses. So if you'll excuse me, I was actually off to go to the bathroom…" I trailed off grabbing my bag from the overhead department, and starting to walk to the small bathroom.

I heard Esme mutter something along the lines off, 'You will always be a daughter to me Bella.' But I could have been mistaken.

I rushed to the restroom and locked the door as fast as I could. I opened my black duffle bag and pulled some gray skinny jeans, and bright neon pink tank top, a zebra print hoodie, green high top Chuck Taylor's, some bat signal earrings, and an Oscar the Grouch hat to throw the outfit together.

I grabbed a piece of watermelon gum, and left the restroom. Tonight's goanna be a good night! I'm off to Seattle. I'm going home, to the place where I belong, And where your love has always been enough for me. NOT!

_Leave it all behind you now__  
__The final wall is breaking down__  
__We are all it's all about__  
__Nothing can stop us now__  
_

The plane just landed. And I'm on the tar mat. Nothing but miles ahead of me. I walked to luggage take out, and saw no other but douche man. Well let's have some fun, shall we?

I walked over, and stood right next to him. I stuck my head over my slidey thingy checking for my luggage. Time to mess with him. "Excuse me young boy, but have you seen any luggage that looks like duckies?" I said nodding my head.

"You're calling me young when I'm 90 years older than you, and you have _duckie_ luggage?" Edward said with a smirk, sneering the word 'duckie.' What a fucking slut!

"You dare insult the all duckie power? And did you just suggest you are a _cradle-robber_?" I pointed out with a smirk lighting up my lips.

"If I'm a so called cradle-robber then you suffer from _necrolagnia._" Don't slap him, don't slap him, don't slap his stupid fucking smirk off his stupid-ass inflated head. It will just hurt you Bella. Fight with word, use your inner bitch.

"Who ever said I was sexually attracted to you? Hmm? Because I think the only one suffering was on your part. I had my other ways of getting…pleasure." I used my best doe eyes, while playing with his collar. And just to top it off, at the end of my sentence, I man handed his t shirt, and pulled him in to give a nice long lick to his face. I know he loved it.

"Bella, why do you always must infatuate me?" He said taking in a big breath, and letting it out slowly. I felt his skinny jeans getting tighter underneath my thigh. I then drank in his outfit. He was wear red vans, black loose skinny jeans, a gray fedora with a black band, and a white V-neck. Sort of gay outfit.

"I don't know why. Because from the looks of it, you look gay." He glared at me for this comment. Good. Just then my luggage came zooming down the line. And I'm guessing the golden luggage is Edward's which came down after it. Yep it's great to be home!

_I promise you right know__  
__I never let you down_

_I promise you right know__  
__I never let you down_

_I promise you right know__  
__I never let you down_

_Don't you turn around__  
__Don't you turn around_


	8. I am Me

**How Can Life Go On?**

**Chapter Six: I am Me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or My Immortal by Evanescence**

_I'm so tired of being here__  
__Suppressed by all my childish fears__  
__And if you have to leave__  
__I wish that you would just leave__  
__'Cause your presence still lingers here__  
__And it won't leave me alone_

I walked out to my truck I left so many months ago in the same exact place. I threw my bags in the back, and jumped into the cab. I pulled out my keys, but before I started my car. I opened my glove box and pulled out _the razor._ The first object I cut myself with and the one I'm going to cut myself with now.

I opened the razor from the compartment, and stared at its brilliance. How it shined in the moon light, and twinkled with the stars. I moved it to my left wrist, pressed, and swished. I watched the blood trickle down to my elbow.

My ringtone went off, and that's what brought me out of pure ecstasy. I grabbed my black Sidekick 2010 **(A/N: Phone I recently got!) **out of my Write Love On Her Arms tote bag. I flipped it open, and it said I had a text message from Julius. Damn! I forgot about my peeps…I wonder how Sebastian is doing.

I read the message and it read:

_**Hey! What did you do with my car?**_

Poor naïve Julius…I texted back:

_**It's at the airport. How is Sebastian doing?**_

I didn't care about his car right now. I cared about my best friend! He texted back a minute later:

_**Where did you go? And Sebastian's fine they got him stable and he will wake up from his coma in about 2-3 days.**_

God I love my Julie. He's a perfect friend. Now I don't have to worry about Sebastian. I messaged back.

_**Went to Forks. Love you, miss you, and maybe see you again.**_ _**Talk to you later.**_

I dropped my phone, and put my keys in the ignition. I switched it on, and drove off.

_These wounds won't seem to heal__  
__This pain is just too real__  
__There's just too much that time cannot erase__  
_

I drove about 10 minutes to Renton, WA and bought some heroin. **(A/N: I don't know if Renton has a bad drug problem anymore, but when I went it most certainly did.)** I shot up, and began my journey to Forks. Soon I will be back. And since I barely shot 1 dose, it will be gone in about 3 hours. And since I will be there in 3 hours and 30 minutes. I'm good!

I began my long journey home, being bored as fuck! I am stuck on traffic on the 101 highway, and it sucks! I looked at my phone and noticed that I had another message from Julius. It said:

_**Actually we aren't staying we think that it would be better for Sebastian if we took him to**_ _**Birmingham, England. You know his home town…**_

I guess I know where I'm going when I'm done with Charlie. I know I love him, but I need to be on my own. Just for the time being. Maybe longer. But it is my chose. And that's what I'm choosing. I'm choosing to be alone for the rest of my life…Stupid chose. My stupid chose.

Maybe I should just get back together with Edward…NO! That will never happen! I will not get back together with that man. Vampire…whatever.I don't care anymore. All I know is that, I am who I am. And I'm going to keep it that way. No one is going to change that. Neither Man nor Vampire. Life is meant for living, and I shall live for myself, and not others. I'm going back to Forks High, and finishing what I started in preschool.

It's time to start anew. And that anew is now. I'm going to make new friends; I'm going to get a new boyfriend. And I'm going to be who I want to be. And no one's going to stop me! Well…the police could stop me, and having a father in the police force won't help.

Oh my damn. I am going back to Forks. I'm going back to the cold rainy town of Forks, Washington. I am screwed. I am stupid. I am a fucking moron! Oh well. I found that out along time ago, like when I went out with a vampire, which was pretty stupid on my account.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears__  
__When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears__  
__And I held your hand through all of these years__  
__But you still have__  
__All of me_

I did get over my high! It is now 4:47 in the morning, and I'm getting changed and getting some sleep before seeing my father, who I haven't seen in many months. Damn that sounds like a tweet! Damn I do need sleep! I can't even think right. I can't even think at all. I think? Am I right? Nor am I wrong? And when did I become an old English man? Oh well.

I parked my truck in front of a grocery store, and got out. I walked to the back, pulled open the bag, and pulled out a black thermal long sleeve top, white skinny jeans, red buckle ankle boots, blue lace bra and thong, white scarf with gray fringe, and a black leather jacket. I threw all my purse stuff in a rose clutch, put in some black rose earrings, and a scarlet red knit beret. Life's good when you dress fancy.

I finished getting dressed, and slid into the cab, and took a little nap.

I woke up, fixed my make up, and drove off out of sight. But still in sight, because this is a small town. But you get what I'm saying! I drove far from the grocery store. You know like by where the houses are, and such.

I pulled up to where I once called my home, and saw that Charlie's cruiser was still there. Fun! Having the Chief of Police as your father when you're a drug addict and under age drinker really sucks nuts. I'm going to be getting in a lot of trouble around here…

_You used to captivate me__  
__By your resonating light__  
__Now I'm bound by the life you left behind__  
__Your face it haunts__  
__My once pleasant dreams__  
__Your voice it chased away__  
__All the sanity in me_

_These wounds won't seem to heal__  
__This pain is just too real__  
__There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone__  
__But though you're still with me__  
__I've been alone all along_

**A/N: Sorry it's short. Been super busy! Planning a trip to Scotland! My Pride and Joy! I will try to do a super long one next update! And to all that review they will get a sneak peak of next chapter! Also next chapter is when she talks to Charlie and maybe a conference with dear old sweet Edward…maybe… Oh Also! Check me out on twitter and formspring!**

**Twitter: ****/wheredidlifego**

**Formspring: .me/wheredidlifego **

**Check out all outfits and everything on my page. Love you all!**


	9. Back Home

**How Can Life Go On?**

**Chapter Seven: Back Home **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight **

Here I am at 7:03 in the morning, on my father's front step, with my arm raised ready to knock. But I can't move my hand to touch the door. I've been standing here for 6 minutes and I just can't do it. I can't see him. I'm not ready. I do love my father. But 5 months is a long time. And I didn't leave under good circumstances.

I looked over to where I threw my CD player. There were no large pieces anymore, but you could see the small pieces stuck into the ground. Well I could. But I could notice anything right now. Just to keep my attention of the door, and off the whole mess of my life itself.

I was jerked out of my depressing thoughts, by a large tug to my small skinny waist. I looked straight to see my father hugging me. He had his head on my shoulder holding tight to my waist, not letting go. And it made me feel…loved. Exactly. I felt loved; not other feelings. Just the love of my father.

I noticed his body shaking with silent sobs. "It's okay dad. I'm home. Don't worry I'm home." I said in a silent whisper. Patting his back putting my head on top of his. It was such a special moment. I wouldn't give anything to not have this moment carved into my memory.

"Ya? But how long are you staying? I worked late one night and when I came back my house was destroyed, my daughter was gone, and I had a short hurtful note to know what happened. What the hell Bella? I thought you cared about your father more then to just leave without an explanation."

"Here lets go inside," I walked into the house, and my breathing hitched. It didn't look different at all. Exactly how I- _And Edward_- left it. I sat us down on the couch facing each other. "So what do you want to know?"

"Why you left. Why you didn't tell me. Just give an explanation." He said in a hollow voice. I looked at his face when he said this. He had his eyes down casted but I could tell that they were puffy red and blood-shot with little sleep. It looked like he hadn't shaven in at least a week. And the look on his face just looked like he was defeated.

"I left because I need some time to think on my own time. I wanted to be with myself and my thoughts. I couldn't do that here in Forks and I couldn't do it with mum either. I just needed to get away. I didn't tell you because I wasn't even thinking. I was living life in the moment and I didn't know were I was going I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't feel that anything was right besides of leaving." I rambled out. Shaking my head looking at anything except my Charlie's dead eyes.

"Where did you go? I had a whole state search done. But no one found you. I was ready to give up then but I kept going. I knew some day I'd be able to find you. But I never expected you to show up on my doorstep." He sounded frustrated now. Well he should be. I shouldn't have been that stupid.

"I was in Alaska. I went to the airport and say that the closest flight was to Alaska. So I went. I didn't want to go anywhere else, cause I didn't want to wait long. I wanted out so that's what I did. I left, and it was one of the stupidest things I ever did." I explained with my eyes filling with tears. I knew they wouldn't fall. They would just sting.

"I thought for sure you would be going to California…"I murmured. I bet he probably didn't want me to hear it. Actually I bet he didn't want me to hear it. That was the most fucked up thing I have ever heard! That comment was complete shit!

"Fuck you." I said standing up and looking down at him. "If I wanted to see a dumbass I would have stayed home and had a conversation with you. So shut the fuck you!" I yelled in his face.

"Calm down Bella. And watch your mouth, you don't swear to me." He said with a stern voice, standing up towering over me.

"I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't give a shit, and you can't do anything about it. I'm 18 now. I'm a legal age, and I'm legally moving out and getting a apartment at the Peninsula Apartments right by school. Sucks some balls Charlie. I'll be out by Friday." I started for the stairs and flipped him off while going up.

I walked the stairs and when I got to my bedroom door I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I grabbed the doorknob with a shaking hand and twisted it. I ever so slowly opened the door and peaked a eye in. it was the same as I left it.

I walked into the room stepping on the glass shards hearing them crack and smash. I walked over to the still smashed window and looked out. I swear I saw a pair of topaz eyes staring back at me for a split second until I blinked and they were gone. I kicked in the rest of the glass left on the window frame and stuck my head out. I scanned the ground and the forest by my house.

"Edward if you are near please come up. I need to talk with you. Please?" I said in no louder then just a simple talk. I closed my eyes to blink back the tears, I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I promised I wouldn't cry for anyone. Not even myself.

I opened my eyes when I heard a ruffling in the tree outside my window. I opened my eyes to see a pair of golden eyes staring intensely into mine. I quickly looked away. To only feel a hard jerk on my chin to look back at him. "Why did you need me?" The simple words broke my heart all over again. I didn't need him. I need to _talk_ with him. There is a total difference.

"I just wanted you to know that I don't want to talk, I don't need anything from you, and I am who I am now. Nothing you say or do will change that." I stared hard into his eyes. I saw a mixture of different emotions flash in his eyes- Hurt, Pain, Self Loathing, Stupidity, Hate, Love.- And I didn't understand any of them.

"Anything I say or do, huh? What if I say that I didn't mean it? What if I said I still love with all of me? What if I said that I didn't mean what I said in the forest? What if I only said it because I wanted to protect you?"

"I'd say that's too many rhetorical questions. With no answers, because they are all lies. You seem good at saying them lately." I grabbed his wrist and threw his hand from my face when he started stroking my cheek with his thumb. But the sad part is that…_I kind of liked it. _

I started to walk away into my room, I heard a graceful landing behind me then a hand on my shoulder. He effortlessly twisted me around so I was looking at him. He put both his hands on my face. I tried to squirm out of his hold but he just tightened his grip. "What if I did this…" then he pressed his lips to mine.

I pushed him away for a second, he looked hurt. Maybe he wasn't lying when he said that he still loved me. "Edward, lip rape. Just wait a moment." I can't believe what I'm doing. I walked to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked off the beret and shook out my hair. I took off my shoes and socks. What? Hardest thing to get off in the heat of passion. And I shot up on the little heroin I had left.

I walked back into the room, already feeling a high, to see Edward staring at the ceiling. I ran at his and jumped on him, so how catching him off guard and sending him plummeting to my bed. I wound up straddling his hips.

"You're a lot less clumsy." He said with his signature crooked smirk. I rolled my eyes at him. How could he be so stupid? Of course I have! The old Bella is no more. So of course the first thing to go is the tripping.

"Just shut up and kiss me." I said rubbing my hands down his chest, then leaning down and planting a huge kiss on his lips. What? I'm high! I started rubbing all down his chest, then back up then his arms, making a little route for my hands to go.

I decided to take this a little farther. I opened up my mouth and licked his bottom lip to ask for entrance. He obliged. We explored each others mouths with our tongues for a while. Before I got bored again. I traveled a little more southern from my escapades. I noticed that he had a hard on. I'm damn good and I know.

I reached for his button on his jeans, when suddenly he grabbed my hands. "Bella, don't get a head of yourself." I raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a pointed look. I rolled my eyes, did he really think that I was still a virgin? Well I was one 5 months ago…and that's even half a year…

"Puh-lease! The only one getting a head is you." Then I proceeded to unzip his pants.

Here I lay. Isabella Marie Swan. And I just fucked virgin Edward Cullen. Because I wasn't coherent, I was high on heroin. I stole someone's virtue just because I get horny when I'm high. I slept with my ex-boyfriend who's madly in love with me, and I **CAN'T STAND** just because I wasn't myself. I was my heroin self. Damn me…

"Bella, why don't you get some rest." Edward whispered sweetly in my ear. He was rubbing my arms tenderly, it actually felt good. Jesus Bella! Stop thinking those vile thoughts! God, what is wrong with my nowadays?

"No I'm good. I don't really sleep anymore." I shrugged off his arms, and leaned off my bag in to my bag. I rummaged through it for a few seconds before finding my cigarettes and lighter. I lit one and brought it to my lips.

"You smoke?" Edward said shocked. I nodded my head yes as I blew the smoke out my nose. I could have said something sarcastic, I'm tired and still high. "Bella…each cigarette you smoke takes 6 minutes off your life." He said raising an eyebrow and giving me a guilty look.

"Hmm. Then let's make it 25 cigarettes! A pack of Marlboro!" I said slamming my fists down on the bed, and put on a pouty face. I looked him dead in the eyes for a few moments and started laughing like an idiot. Hey? We are all idiots when we're high.

"Bella? Did you just imply what I think you did? Do you really want to end your life?" he said looking away from me, choking on the words as they spilled out. Is he that naïve? Does he really think that his leaving didn't affect me?

"You bet your stone cold ass I do! Just look…" I held my arms out for him to see the puncture marks and cuts and scars. He gasped and grabbed my arms tightly. He rubbed his thumb over the puncture wounds on the crook of my elbow then he ran his thumb of the many cuts on my forearm.

"Why Bella? Why would you do this to yourself? Why the hell would you do this to yourself?" His voice rising with each word. He looked at me and his eyes were pitch black. But for some reason I wasn't scared. I looked him straight in the eye not looking away, not laughing. He looked back at my arm. "This hole is fresh! You've taken drugs in the last few hours haven't you?" He still looked pissed.

I grabbed his chin and jerked his face towards me. I want to see the pain in his eyes when I tell him this. I want him to know what he really did you me. " Yes I have. And I was completely high when I fucked you! I wasn't coherent and if I was this," I gestured between us, "would have never happened! And don't be like 'Oh Bella how could you do this to yourself?' because I didn't do this. _You did_." I spat my words in his faces and got out of the bed.

I grabbed my bra and strapped it on and grabbed my underwear and pulled them on. Then I heard him whisper behind me, "I love the color blue on you." I turned to him and narrowed my eyes telling him in he said one more thing I would set him on fire.

I pulled on my grey british flag tank top, my black and white hello kitty booty shorts, and my black uggs. I put my hair up in pig tails with black scrunchie's and put on my grey and black striped beanie. I grabbed my old grungy 'Young Heart' sweater off my computer chair.

I grabbed my keys and walked out of house without a look back even thought Edward was yelling my name behind me. I got to my trunk and drove off. I'm surprised that Edward didn't come after me.

I drove off to Port Angeles and went to where I almost got raped that one time. You know the place were Edward fell in love with me? Ya that place. I met a drug dealer and bought some meth. I smoked some of it, and put the rest in my bag for later. I sat in my truck just being high for awhile. Until I got a great idea. I'm going to get a haircut!

I put my car into gear and drove to the closest hair salon. I told them what I wanted and they were happy to oblige. When they were finished they let me look into the mirror. It was exactly what I wanted! They dyed it black and gave me a girl punk Mohawk. Shaggy on the sides and gelled on the top.

Later I went home. It was around 4pm. And Charlie wouldn't be back for 2 days from his camping trip. When I got to my house Edward was there. He was leaning against the doorframe of the front door. I got out of my trunk and wobbled my way over to him. I guess I'm still high…

"Hello sexy! How are you?" I looked at him with bleary eyes. He rolled his eyes and grabbed me by my upper arm and tugged me inside. I grabbed at his hand to let me go, but he wasn't! "HEY! Stop man handling! I'll sue!" I screeched. What? I'm high!

"Just shut up Bella. I hate to be ungentlemanly like. But just please…shut up." He said in a sharp voice and tight jaw. He looked pissed off.

"Let go of me, or I'll scream rape." I said in a low hiss. He looked at me and quirked an eyebrow. So he didn't believe me? Fuck him! Oh wait…I did that earlier…

I took out my cellphone and dialed 911 and showed him the screen without pressing send. He took the phone right out of my hand. "They will just arrest you for doing drugs." He smirked at me.

"They can't arrest me because I'm on my property, but you are not. You are on my property." My smirk rose as his fell. I grabbed my phone back from him and press the end button and put it back in my bag.

I walked around him to the kitchen. I sat done at the kitchen table and laid my head on my arms. He walked over to the other side of the table and sat down across from me. He was silent for about a minute. "Your heart is going a mile a minute. What's wrong?" He asked squeezing my hand.

"I'm high on meth. It makes you're your heart beat fast." I said my voice muffles by my arm over my mouth. I really didn't care what he had to say. But maybe I did. Maybe I still love him. But maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just screwed up by the drugs. That's the only legit excuse. I'll go with that.

Why does he have to make everything so hard? You know with is gorgeous bronze tussled hair, and pretty topaz eyes, and the smell of lavender and sunshine. He's just perfect. I want him, hell, I need him! But I need my sanity first of all. And being with him didn't help my sanity at all.

I pulled my hand away from his and walked up the stairs to my room. When I got there I sunk into my bed and curled up into a ball, and just rested out the rest of my high alone. Just like always. But I should be used to it, I'll be alone for a long time.

**A/N: Sorry I didn't update for quiet some time I've taken a vacation in Scotland with my son for a while to clear my head.**

**Love and Kisses,**

**Julienne K. McKenzie**


	10. Back To School

How Can Life Go On?

**Chapter Seven: Back To School**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Heart Burst Into Fire by Bullet For My Valentine **

**A/N: I thought Bella's hair was to short in the pic so I added a new picture. Go check it out before you read this fic. **

_I'm coming home__  
__I've been gone for far too long__  
__Do you remember me at all?_

I rolled out of bed still dressed in my outfit, not to my surprise. God why did I have to sleep with him? Why did I have to throw the biggest mistake of the year? I know I do love him, but I'm not _in_ love with him. Why do I have to be stupid every time I'm on drugs? Maybe I should just get ready for school…that might get my mind off of things…hopefully.

I got up and threw my suitcase onto my bed and started shuffling through it. I just grabbed out some simple ripped jeans, I heart Buffy shirt **(A/N: Anyone else see this irony to this?)**, and a dark blue raincoat. I tied up my dark blue converse, grabbed my make-up, and walked to the bathroom.

I put on some blue eye shadow, some brown eyeliner, black mascara, light blush, and pink lip gloss. I quickly painted my nails a dark blue. I ran a brush through my hair and shook it out; I grabbed a blue knit cap with a ball on the end, and put it on.

I ran down the stairs and stopped in the kitchen and grabbed a yogurt bar. I ran to the living room and grabbed my black Jansport backpack and put my MacBook into. I grabbed my car keys and ran out the door.

_Please let this piece of shit work, please let this piece of shit work, please let this piece of shit work…_

I put the key in the ignition, I turned it…nope. It is a piece of shit. And the day that I needed it to work…it doesn't. I looked up to see a silver Volvo parking into my driveway. I got out of my truck and walked over to the stupid shiny silver Volvo…I opened the spare door and slid in.

"Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't even think of me." I said with tight lips, not looking at him. I slouched into my seat and put my feet on the dashboard. He out stretched him arm and knocked down my legs.

"Hey douchebag! I said not to think of me you fag! And what did you do? You thought of me! JACKASS!" I was yelling in his face by now, but I don't care. He deserves a lot more. Like a spanking…oh shut up Bella…

"For one," He was holding out his fingers…how I just wanted to rip them off… "You're getting muddy foot prints all over my dashboard. For two, what if I made a quick stop? You could break both your legs! And for three, I think we both know I'm not gay…we both experienced that yesterday." He looked at me with a smirk.

"For one," I said mocking him, he just rolled his eyes…dick, "I hope I get muddy fucking foot prints on your stupid piece of shit car dickhead. For two, I fucking hope I break both my motherfucking legs, maybe I'll get a nice big morphine shot. And for three, please you have to be gay. You _were _a 109 year old virgin, you sparkle, you drive a goddamn Volvo, and I swear I've seen you read Cosmo."

He glared at me, why I was laughing my ass off. I looked at him and drank him in. he was wearing a green striped hoodie a gray shirt, black skinny jeans, and black vans. He was so adorable…

"What are you staring at?" Edward exclaimed in a exasperated tone. He looked at me with a glare in his eyes. But the glare was only a mask. A mask for the pain, a mask for the denial, a mask for the rejection…God! What have I done to this man?

"I'm staring at my ex-boyfriend. The man I loved, but he crushed my heart. I'm staring at the man I have mixed feelings about, because I know I love him, but I need to make sure I'm _in love_ with him. But I also need to make sure that he won't break my heart again, because I don't think my heart can take that again." I know he just asked a simple question but that question, brought up more feelings then the incident that happened yesterday did.

His eyes showed his true emotions, and what emotions I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life. His eyes were full of pain, misery, regret, suffering, lust, self loathing, denial, anger, sadness, fear, but most of love…I knew this man loved me with all his cold, nonbeating heart. But was that enough for me to love him back?

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. Everything was and is my fault. If I could take back the last few months I would. If I could take back this gruesome creation that defiles the name of God that is my unnatural state of been, I would. I would take back the last 92 years of this worthless existence when I was supposed to have died of the influenza." His grip on the steering wheel was deadly, while his eyes were on the road but focusing on something else. Something far away.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen! Don't you dare talk like that…just because you did something really stupid doesn't mean you shouldn't be alive. And no it's not your fault. It's my fault, I trusted you." I turned away from him, and stared at my hands in my lap. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away.

"Bella, I never meant to hurt you as much as I did. I left to help you. But it ended up hurting the both of us. Will you please forgive me?" He looked at me with big does eyes. He can't seriously be asking me that?

"Oh yeah totally, I forgive you. HA! Just messing, you fucked me over. Go to hell." I sneered at him. He slammed on the brakes really fast, and stared at me in disbelief. I grabbed my bag and stepped out of the car. And started walking to the school.

_I'm leaving__  
__Have I've fucked things up again, __  
__I'm dreaming__  
__Too much time without you spent,_

I finally got to school, and **I was still early! **I started walking the front office when I saw a big spot out of preverbal vision coming towards me. Then suddenly I felt someone pick me up and lift me off the ground. I closed me eyes since my face was being smashed against something hard. I felt around and I felt something like fleece, something silky, and a pair of jeans.

I shoved away from what ever it was, and it put me back on my feet. I looked up to see Emmett Cullen staring down at me. I guessed his outfit right. He was wearing a black and white plaid shirt, a black Adida's sweatshirt, some blue jeans, and right now I was standing on his black Nike sneakers. I smiled and stepped off his shoe.

I looked over to see a red BMW, a black Mercedes, a red Jeep, and a silver Volvo. I looked at the people getting out of them. Rosalie is a black jacket, red shirt, black skinny jeans, and red pumps; and Alice in a gray dress with a black belt, a gray cardigan, and gray crocodile print heels. Jasper stepped out of the passenger door of the red Jeep wearing a white button down with a sweater-vest over it, a blazer, brown slacks, and black loafers.

Now I didn't recognize the black Mercedes, but I knew it belonged to one of the Cullen clan. And as I knew it Carlisle stepped out of the driver's side wearing his usual suit with doctor's coat. And Esme stepped out of the other side wearing a white blouse; black belt, white pencil skirt, and white sling back heels. A usual of the Cullen's always dress their fanciest when their going no where.

I gave a quick glare before turning around and walking away. But before I could get more then 3 feet from where I stood before Emmett pulled me back. "Hey little lady, walking away before saying hi to your Emmy-Bear. That kind of hurt…" I turned to face him. He was wearing a big fake pout, on his stupid little noggin. Jesus Christ he's annoying….

"Leave me alone Emmett. I don't need any bullshit right now. I'm going through a rough patch as it is. You know, stealing your brother's virtue was a lot less simple thinking when I was high then it is now." I said with a shrug. I turned around and started walking away again hearing 6 gasps, and 1 moan behind me.

Thank God I was smart enough to enroll myself into classes online. Other wise I would have been in deep shit with all my teachers. First period was the funniest thought-

I walked into the class but no one was looking. **THANK THE FUCKING LORD! **But oh no, no one can get off that easily. No never…

"Ah Miss. Swan, so glad that you could finally join us again. Welcome back, and if it's okay for me to ask; where have you been?" I stopped in my tracks at that sentence. How dare he ask me? And in front of all these dickheads!

Everyone turned to look at me. They were staring at me; it was kind of gross… I swung around to face Mr. Mason. "I went to goddamn motherfucking Disneyland. Fuck you! You don't need to know where I've been!" I turned back around and started walking to my seat.

Everyone was gawking at me now, yeah that's fucking right Isabella Swan grew a damn backbone. What the fuck. I sat down at my seat, took out my book, and turned on my laptop.

"Okay students, if you were here for the last few weeks," He gave me a pointed look, "Then you would know that the Junior and Senior classes are doing a special project for the next couple of days. And to the luck of the couple of students that week haven't seen for a while," Another pointed look at me, "That they actually got here for the first day that we actually do something, you have bet your 'Little Friends' but today you get to hang out with them." He explained to us about the 'Little Friends' and what we would be doing.

So I had to spend time with a stupid fucking little kid for 3 days. God damn it! Why me? Just…FUCK! This day is going to suck. And I heard that everyone already knows there kids, but me and the…_Cullen's_ don't.

But apparently all the kids were taken, besides the gifted and talented children. And there were only 3. So I got partnered up with none other then…_Alice Cullen!_ What a lucky bitch I am. So motherfucking lucky. Damn my life…

We all partnered up to get ready to get on the bus. I had to sit next to _her_. I've only seen her once since the flight. And damn did that suck. And I've only seen her twice and spoken to her once since they all left. Jesus why did I have to be stuck with her? I rather have Lauren!

And speak of the devil and soon shall it appear. Lauren Milroy came walking down the sidewalk, with Mike Newton on her arm. Fucking wow. What a skank! "HEY SLUT! Has left leg met right leg yet!" I started laughing and looking around to see who yelled it. It was none other then Emmett. Of course.

I looked at he while I was laughing hell of hard, and he winked at me! He fucking winked at me! I looked straight at me and said, "Umm…go fuck yourself." He looked shocked and Jasper had to hold down Rosalie. But it was worth it.

"Bella, that's no way to talk to anyone. Now is it?" I heard a bell-like pixie voice say from next to me. I almost forgot that Alice was my partner. I was just having so much fun…

I turned to face her, "Oh I believe you. Ha-ha I can't even lie to myself on that one…you're a two-faced bitch. Go to hell." I turned back around and took a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it.

I quickly sucked it down and blow out the smoke. I threw the bud on the ground and stepped it out. I turned back around to the Cullen's only to see Emmett pouting, Rosalie pissed, Jasper glaring, Alice crying on his shoulder, and Edward…well I didn't see Edward.

If only I looked next to me… "Did you just-"

"No." I didn't even let him finish. I didn't care what he had to say, really I didn't.

"But you just-"

"Nope." I said and started to walk through the crowd. Jeez why can't he get it through his thick fucking skull that I didn't want to talk to him! Damn! I'm not doing drugs anymore! If it ends up leading to me fucking my ex-boyfriend that is madly in love with me. Fuck it! It's not worth it anymore! **(A/N: And she stops! But in this story there are no withdrawals because writing about them brings unwanted memories back. So she'll just fell really lousy.) **

I think I just had an epiphany…cool. Mr. Greene finally got onto the bus so we were allowed to get on. When Alice and I got to our bench I sat down and took out my iPod to signal that I didn't want to talk. But before even the first note could plan I felt a hand snatch it away.

I glared at her through my preverbal vision, but took out my laptop instead. I started surfing the internet, when my Mac was stolen from my clutches too. What a bitch…she won't even allow me to have my own personal property.

"Why are you being so mean to me Bella? What did I ever do to you?" So we are going to start _this_ conversation now. I took in a deep soothing breath to keep from crying throughout this conversation.

"Because your brother is the one that broke my heart, your husband was the one that started it all. And you _were_ my best friend." None of those were true though. Edward wasn't really her brother, I would never blame Jasper for any of this, and she will always be a great friend of mine. But she has to earn my complete friendship back, because right now it has gaps…

"Bella I'm really sorry. I never meant this to happen. I never meant to leave you." It looked like if was able to she would be crying. "And I didn't mean to be such a bitch when we were on the plane. Seeing you like that was just heart wrenching."

I didn't to respond because right then we pulled up to the school…

**_Back to school. _**

**_Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. _**

**_I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. _**

**_Oh! Back to school... back to school... back to school. _**


	11. Damn It!

**How Can Life Go On? **

**Chapter Seven: DAMNIT! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight. But I do own Amelia. And also I don't own #1 Crush by Garbage**

_I would die for you__  
__I would die for you__  
__I've been dying just to feel you by my side__  
__To know that you're mine_

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. DAMNIT! I don't want to be here…I'm afraid. I haven't even been near a kid in like 8 months! And now I have to be stuck with one for a whole day! And with Alice! I really had no problem with Alice; it's more of that she left me friendless and heartbroken then that I hate her. I could never hate her. But I hate what she did to me…Just like Edward.

I was shaken out of my thoughts my Alice, "Come on Bella, we have to go and meet our new friend!" She squeaked with her really high and chipper voice. I stared at her for a second, then at her hands that were still on my arm, then at her again. She caught on and quickly pulled her hands away from me muttering a small, 'Sorry.'

"It's okay. You just startled me. No ones grabbed me like that in a long time…" I said with a huffed standing up. She had a small smile on her face. I raised an eyebrow at her, "_What_?" I snapped her.

"Oh it's nothing, but you haven't been that nice to me since before we…" She trailed off knowing that was a danger zone for me. She knew that I wouldn't be that nice if she said anything about _that_.

"Well let's get this over with. I want to get home so I can sit on my ass, listen to crappy music, and be bored as fuck…you know the usual." I passed by her, and she was trying to suppress her laughter. What? It was completely true…maybe some other things. But no hard drugs.

I stepped off the bus followed by Alice, then Jasper and Rosalie, and Edward and Emmett. I guess they were partnered together. I was walking to the front of the school when I saw Jessica and Lauren talking and giggling as they were looking and pointing at me. What bitches!

"Hey bitches! If your talking behind my back then your in the perfect position to kiss my ass!" I yelled at them. They looked a little peeved, but I was laughing my ass off. Until I felt a hand covering my mouth. I was big, bulky, and Emmett's. I trying to pry it off but it wasn't moving.

"What the hell are you thinking Bella! You could get in serious trouble for saying that!" He hissed in my ear. How am I going to get out of this? What would MacGyver do? I licked his hand. That's right; I was stuck in this, so I licked his hand…

"EW! Gross!" He screamed out and wiped his hand on my shoulder. Everyone of the Cullen's were laughing into there hands. I smiled at them all. Not my real smile but one of those big cheesy smiles you give someone.

I then turned to Emmett, "Somebody's going to punch you in the face one day, and I hope I'm there to watch and laugh." I shook my finger in his face and turned away. I new my shoulders were shaking from quiet laughter. But that's just the way it is.

"Did you see that Rosie! She licked me, sad something mean, then just walked away! What the fuck is up with that!" I could hear the pout in his voice from here. "Doesn't anyone else care besides me? What the hell!" I hurt him say louder then before.

I let out a loud cackle, "On the contrary of popular belief **no one gives a flying fuck!" **I laughed even harder now. Jeez…when did I become so mean? Oh yeah, when they left me! Ha-ha.

_I will cry for you__  
__I will cry for you__  
__I will wash away your pain with all my tears__  
__And drown your fear_

I was walking down the sidewalk when I saw Lauren standing right next to a puddle. _Can this be anymore easy? _ I stepped forward and pretended to trip. Come on, everyone thinks of me as a klutz? My hands fell into the puddle, but all the water splashed up on Lauren. **Happy days, oh happy days! **I stood up, wiped my hands on my jeans, and turned to Lauren to watch her bitch fit.

I heard her squeal, and scream. She turned to me and huffed in my face, "WHAT THE HELL YOU FREAK! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! THIS SHIRT IS DESIGNER!" I just put my hand on my chin, crossed my arms, and shrugged. She looked like a fucking clown! All the tons of make up she was wearing was running down her face, and her shirt was wet and clinging to her. And the shirt was white…

"Oh Lauren don't worry. You look alright. From a distance. At night. Behind a wall. Ha-ha! Just a joke, I really do like your make up though…just kidding, you look like you got gang-banged by a pack of crayons." I couldn't keep in my laughter anymore, I burst out laughing. She started walking away from me, "Hey I also like your padded bra, but I do think some of your bath tissue got wet!" I called after her.

She stomped her little fake Jimmy Choo's. Ha-ha this day is awesome! I was laughing so hard form what just happened I didn't even notice Mr. Greene walking up to me with Lauren right behind him. Damn it. Every time I start to have fun, people always come to ruin it.

"Oh Miss. Swan. Great to see you again, but when you do come back you run a nuisance in my school. I've heard that you were very rude to Mr. Mason. And now you purposely splash Miss. Mallory and make snide jokes about her appearance afterwards?" What was this? 20 questions?

I opened my mouth to say something sarcastic and most likely stupid, when I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, and I heard a velvety, soft voice, "Mr. Greene I usher you that Isabella here didn't mean to splash Lauren. I watched it for myself and I saw Bella trip and fall into the puddle." He finished with his heart stopping smile.

I leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Wait what? Sure kisses can be shared with anyone, but kisses to the cheek mean something. It's the true sign of affection. And I just showed affection to Edward…oh shit…

He looked down at me with a smile. I smiled timidly back. I then realized what I was doing, and I had to stop. I looked back at Mr. Greene just in time for him to start talking again, "Okay Miss. Swan thanks to Mr. Cullen you won't have to leave right now." Darn! "But you need to act better today, and you should start acting like an adult." He said sternly.

My eyes turned to slits, and I glared at him, "Adults are just kids with money," I said sarcastically, "And Mr. Greene, I piss excellence." With that I turned around and started walking away. I heard Edward moan, and run after me.

_I will pray for you__  
__I will pray for you__  
__I will sell my soul for something pure and true__  
__Someone like you_

"God damn it Bella! I get you out of trouble and all you do is get yourself out of trouble a minute afterwards! Well will you learn to not put your foot in your mouth?" He stated angrily. Wow. Just wow. What a douche! I can't believe that he just said that!

"Edward just shut the fuck up right now! Okay, you have no reason to be saying that, because that would make you a hypocrite! You're just a fucking _hypocritical jackass!_ "He had no reason to say that I put _my_ foot in my mouth. What a douche!

"I'm hypocritical! I'm fucking hypocritical! That's a lot coming from you Bella! You're the one keeps fucking with my emotions and saying I broke _your_ fucking heart! You're the one that one second you're all loving then the next your being a complete bitch and you call _me_ a douche! Do you fucking love playing games or some shit? Cause that's all you're doing! But that's fucking you! You're a game player, and you call me heartless! So that makes you a hypocrite." I've never heard Edward yell at someone like that before…

"Are you done? Because with all that said it makes me feel like you don't want me. But yet you say all the god damn time that you fucking miss me! So fuck you Edward. You're just a lying sack of shit. So next time you start to miss me, just fucking remember, I didn't walk away, you let me go. Don't you remember Edward? Don't you remember leaving me in the forest it was only a few months ago. **Fuck you**."

I started walking away, when I felt Edward hand on my shoulder. I turned around sharply, "What do you want n-"My words were cut off with his lips. I was shocked and tense for a few seconds before I kissed back. And this wasn't just our- I'm high as fuck and so naïve kiss. This kiss showed all our emotions. Pain, misery, sympathy, empathy, triumph, contempt, disappointment, fear, anger, joy, happiness, indifference, and so much more.

I felt a tight hand on my shoulder pulling me from Edward's embrace. "And what in the son of Hamlet do you think your doing?" **(A/N: I'm sorry I just had to put that in, my teacher Mr. Patashio used to say it!) **Mr. Banner said angrily into my face. I peeled his hand off my shoulder and shrugged.

"Having fun making out with a dude, waiting to get this show a-rocking. You know the yoush…" I said, and ran my tongue over my teeth. I looked up at him, and boy was he upset! Ha. I need more nicotine. The cigarette didn't satisfy.

"Well I hope your happy Isabella because you just scared fifty-seven 6 year olds for life!" He then gestured over his shoulder to a little mod of short people. They all had little shocked expressions on there faces. I silently waved to them, and gave them a smile.

This blonde lady stepped forward, and started speaking to all of us, "Hello I'm Shirley, I work with the first graders here. " She had a big fake, shit eating grin. The kind that I can't stand, "So I want to ask the children to go and find there friends for the day." Some of the students started walking forwards timidly, "Yes, yes thank you. And I would like to ask Emmett, Alice, and Edward Cullen, Jasper and Rosalie Hale, and Isabella Swan to please follow me."

When Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie walked over and stood next to her me and Edward just stood our place. "Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan can you please step forward." She looked around but didn't even look at us. I decided that the game we were playing was long enough. I jumped into Edward's arms and he walked us over to Sherry or whatever the hell her name was.

When we finally got over to her, I hopped out of Edward's arms and stood right in front of her. "Bella Swan here at your service." And gave her a sly smirk. Edward just gave a small wave. The lady had a look of pure horror on her face, but turned around and started walking us to a small building.

When we were outside the small building we had to go with our partners. When I went to stand near Alice I swear I saw Shirley relax a little. Yeah thank the holy name of GOD that I wasn't partnered up with Edward. I needed to think **a lot** and being partnered with him would not help in anyway what so ever!

I slouched against the wall of the building and closed my eyes. I felt fumbling on my lips, so I opened one eye and I saw Alice messing with my face. I quickly grabbed her hand from my face, and gave her a questionable face.

"I'm sorry I was trying to fix up your make up a little, but I don't have your lip gloss so I was trying to smear the little bit you have on left…" Her sentence sort of died at the end, when she noticed that it wasn't the right this to say.

I heard Emmett snort a laugh, and turned to him and smiled. I quietly pulled out my lip gloss from my bag and smeared some on my bottom lip. I closed my lips together and smiled weakly at Alice for a sort of thank you I guess. Shirley came back out of the room, and quickly ushered us inside.

_See your face every place that I walk in__  
__Hear your voice every time I am talking__  
__You will believe in me__  
__And I will never be ignored_

She escorted Edward and Emmett first; apparently they got the only boy in the class named Marcus. Then she showed Jasper and Rosalie to a little brunette girl with glasses named Cheney. Then she came to Alice and me.

She gave a cutesy little smile to Alice, but when she looked at me her smile started to fade and turned into a sort of grimace. I just mouthed a simple 'Fuck You' to her with a blank face. She looked a little taken aback, but pulled her self together and walked us to a little girl with short brownish blonde curly hair that was sitting in the corner reading.

"Amelia come here and meet your new friends. " Amelia stood up and walked over to us, "This is Alice and this is…_Isabella_." She sneered my name. I fucking swear if this bitch didn't get over her damn high horse, I was going to punch her in the face.

Amelia stood up from her seat, set down her book, smoothed out her little floral dress and walked over to us. She gave me and Alice a once over and said the most smart ass thing I've ever heard someone under 5'0 say, "There is no need for friends is this cruel world, but I guess these to _genius's_ will have to do." She said in a frigid voice, fixing her striped tights and putting her little loafers back on. She was being a bitch to me, and not even looking at me! That just is not right…

I heard Alice gasp and what little Amelia said, but I was NOT going to be bested by someone that hasn't even hit puberty yet! So I put on a tight smile bent down to her eye level, "Hello Amelia I'm Bella. Now I don't want to be here as much as you do, but guess what? Life sucks so now we have to be stuck together for a few hours, isn't that just to damn bad? But for those few hours I would like you to show me and my…" I was gesturing to Alice, and I was about to say friend, but no… "Classmate here would really appreciate your respect. Or I will find it another way and yes I would go there…" I stared right into her eyes saying each word slowly and smoothly.

I raised and eyebrow at me, and did a little smirk, "Oh really? I highly doubt that you would be capable of doing such a thing." She said in a loud whisper into my ear. I raised my eyebrow at her this time. I looked up at Alice, and gestured towards Amelia.

Alice rolled her eyes, "Oh yes she would." I gave her a smile out of appreciation, then turned back to Amelia who had shock written all over her face. I nodded my head and stood up slowly. When I finally stood to my sloughing height Shirley came back in.

"Oh I see, your all getting along," She grimaced a smile when she saw Amelia's shocked expression and me standing in front of her. "Okay kids pack up your backpacks, and put on your coats. We are going to Tilicum Park!" And surprisingly she sounded excited.

"You mean the patch of grass surrounded by trees? Yeah that sounds exciting!" I sarcastically replied. What? If can be a bitch, why can't I? I heard a small giggle, and for a second I thought is was Alice, until I looked to my right and saw Amelia with her hand over her mouth trying to stop the laughs from erupting.

I looked down at her and gave her a small smirk. I looked over to Shirley, and she looked flabbergasted. Ha-ha I still love that word! I pushed my bangs out of my face, readjusted my hat, and started walking over to the door.

I heard gracefully footsteps and small little footsteps following me. I turned to see the Cullen's helping the kids with their coats. I looked over to Alice and Amelia, Alice was trying to help her with her coat but Amelia was completely ignoring her. I'm actually starting to like this girl!

They got all packed up and walked over to me. Amelia with a very cute purple toggle coat, and a smashing ladybug backpack. I grabbed her small hand in my bony pale one, and we walked out the door. We walked down the little stoop and walked over to the bus. _Well here we go…_

**(A/N: I was going to stop here, but…WHAT THE HELL? ^_^ ) **

We have been at the park for at least 15 minutes, and oh my jebus did I need a cigarette! The lack of nicotine is killing me! Maybe if I just left for a moment, they wouldn't notice that I was gone…No. I'm here for a reason and a purpose. And I needed to be here right now. Ah fuck it.

I stepped away from all the running children and reading Amelia, and when I got to the line of trees I ran like hell. I was about 120 feet in, and I knew no one would see me behind all the underbrush.

I lit the cigarette and quickly put it to my mouth. I took one slow soothing breath in. and oh my jebus, it was **so** good! I put the cigarette back to my lips, and pulled my coat tighter around me. I heard rustling in a bush near by, "If you're going to be here, at least don't be a pussy and come out in the open."

"Oh Bella there's no need for language like that. Can't you be more empathic?" I heard the sweet, gentle French accent. I turned to meet two crimson red eyes. Laurent.

"What are you doing here?" I said. No fear evident in my voice, just anger, shock, and complete loathing. Why was he? Wasn't he suppose to be somewhere sucking the life out of a innocent human?

"What does it look like dear Bella? I've come to kill you. To avenge my dear friend James." He had a sickly sweet smile. It made me sick to my stomach just looking at him.

"But why avenge him on my behalf? I had nothing to do with his death! He tried to kill me! I had no say in what happened to him! I was to busy having vampire venom running through my veins!" I yelled in Laurent's face. How dare he think that I had anything to do with James's death! I probably would have killed him if I could…but still.

"Well can't find your dear Edward. Or should I say your ex-boyfriend. But still we have no idea where he i-"

I stopped him there by interrupting, "No Edward is right through there. But I wouldn't recommend going out there if there a whole bunch of people out there and 6 angry vampires. But I must tell you he will be here in less than 2 minutes."

He looked at me quizzically for a second, "Isn't he your ex-boyfriend? Why is he anywhere near you?" he sneered at me, ending with a smile.

"For one no is not my ex, he is the biggest mistake of my life…" I bit my lip softly, "And please, he wanted me back and I totally turned him down." I said with a smirk, taking another drag.

I then felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned around to see a pissed Edward. For a second I thought he was pissed at me, but then I saw him looking at Laurent. Okay good. I wasn't in totally deep shit.

I took a drag from my cigarette, but I felt a hand take it out of my mouth. I looked at Edward to see him smashing it with his foot, "You bitch!" I yelled at him in mock anger.

"Fuck off Bella. I have more important matters to deal with right now." He hissed at me. I raised my eyebrows at this. And this is how he expected to win my heart? Yelling and being pissy at me? Oh hell no.

"Oh look who finally grew some big sparkly balls. I hardly care what you have to say right now Edward. Just kill him. I'll be over there smoking another cig, since you smashed mine jackass!" I walked away from them, and sat down on a fallen over tree and took a cigarette out of my pocket and put it between my lips.

I got more comfortable on my seat on the log. I dusted off the moss that was on the front of my jeans and I looked up to see Laurent and Edward staring at me. I pulled out my lighter and held it in my hand. I looked back up to see them still not doing anything. I did the precede sign with my hand and light my stick.

Just then Edward and Laurent started there fight. And boy was it nasty. They the jumping and the biting, and the throwing and jus the awesomeness of the fight I have ever seen. And I've seen a pillow fight between two boys. **(A/N: I'm sorry the description of the fight sucked, but you know, this is Bella we are talking about ;).)**

_I will burn for you__  
__Feel pain for you__  
__I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart__  
__And tear it apart_

In the end Edward got his arm ripped off, and his ear flew at me. But Laurent got his spinal cord ripped out of his neck.

I walked over to Edward who was still missing his left arm and his right ear. I had his ear in my hand, it was kind of weird. I grabbed my lighter from my front pocket and lit Laurent on fire. He caught on fire instantly, and I watched the pretty smelling purple smoke swirl in the gray sky.

I heard Edward wince, and I looked to see him putting his arm back on. I had to swollen back the bile that rose in my throat. I took a calming breath and walked over to him. I helped him straighten his arm so that it was perfecting in line with his shoulder before he cracked it in.

I took his ear and put it in place and watched the skin reconnect before my very eyes. It was so beautiful, and majestic, but I couldn't help being disgusted… "Ew…this is so gross." I moaned as I watched the last bit of skin reconnect.

"Well if someone wasn't a little bad girl, and stayed with the group none of this would have happened!" He laughed, "Jeez Bella you should come with a warning label." He chuckled.

"Good girls just never get caught," I shrugged, "And if you can't be a good example, be a warning." I said with a smile. And not one of my fake smiles, this one was actually real! And it felt weird…

"Any other stupid things to say before we get in front of the children?" He said with a sly smile. Oh ho oh…touché.

"Umm, okay. Never steal money, the government hates competition. The police never think it's as funny as you do. And you'll never find the right person if you don't let go of the wrong one." I choked on the last few words as they came out of my mouth.

I looked at Edward and he looked hurt. But why? Oh shit! He took my words wrong! I quickly stepped in front of him, "And the wrong one is Sebastian." I said, looking straight into his eyes. They lit up so bright, it was beautiful, it looked like melting gold, "But I don't when or how I will accept you. I do love you Edward, but I need to be _in_ love with you. And I know that I'm not there yet."

I did a sad smile, but a smile at that. Edward looked away from my eyes and up at the sky. "I understand Bella. But all I ask is that you make your decision correctly. That's all I ask. Because you know how but I love you, and you know how much I'm in love with you. And I hope you understand that." He looked pleading into my eyes.

I made a huge sigh, "What do you do when the one that broke your heart is the only one that can fix it?" It was my turn to look pleadingly into his eyes. He didn't answer me so I just went on, "But also the one who can fix it you totally love. I fell in love with your hugs and kisses, with your smile, your advice, your love, your kindness, and the times we laugh together. But most of all I love how you are always there for me, even when I'm asleep."

He gave me a weak smile, and I gave him a small smile back. It was suck a special moment until my foot decided to get caught on a upturned root. I almost hit the ground when suddenly to stone cold arms wrapped around my stomach and waste. "Bella? Are you okay?"

The truth was that my ankle was a little sore and I knew I would have a bruise and my heart was beating very hard against my chest and that kind of hurt too. "AHH…fuck that hurt." I was going to lie but then the shock retracted and I felt the bruise forming. "But I will tell you the most common lie I tell, _I'm fine_…" I gave another sad smile and stood up straight and walked out of the patch of forest.

I walked to see Amelia actually playing with other kids! Holly Crow! I stood there smiling, and watching the little girl running around with her new friends. I then saw Lauren and Mike fighting across the field. I started chuckling when I heard Edward approach behind me.

"Oh look Eddy-kin's she's riding solo." I turned to him, "Just messing, she's riding everyone." We were both trying to contain our laughter, but couldn't… I was leaning against his chest laughing while he had his arms wrapped around my waist.

_I will lie for you__  
__Beg and steal for you__  
__I will crawl on hands and knees until you see__  
__You're just like me_

I heard a little humph close by. I looked around to see Amelia on the ground clutching her knee. I ran over to her to see what was wrong.

"Damn, you fell. Oh shit your crying." I just noticed her eyes wear all red and there were little spots of liquid on her face. I then noticed the blood that was seeking from her knee. I quickly looked for what caused the damage. I ran my hand over the ground where she fell. I then felt a very hard sharp rock on the ground and it was covered in blood.

I threw the rock as far as I could and made it into the trees. I looked up at all the Cullen's signaling with my eyes to hold their breath. I ran over to Shirley and grabbed the first aid kit, and ran back to Amelia.

I dropped to my knees next to her, and wiped her tears from her face. "Shhh…its okay Amelia. It's just a scraped knee it's easy to fix." I said spreading her tights a little more so I could see the cut more easily.

She turned her head away from me, "That's not the reason I'm crying," She snapped at me, "I'm crying because those kids were chasing me, and making fun of me." She said and broke out into a new round of tears.

I was wiping the dirt from her cut, when I set down the rag and pulled her to my chest for a hug. "I'm so sorry Amelia, I wasn't here the whole time, and when I got back I just saw you running with some kids and I thought you were having fun with some new friends." I said rocking her back and forth.

"Where were you Bella?" She asked quietly against my shoulder. I pulled her away slightly so I could look into her eyes. I gave her a sad smile.

I pointed at Edward, "Do you see that guy? Well me and him were having a civilized conversation together for a while, but needed to talk about stuff that wasn't okay to talk to in front of other people."

"Yeah I've heard of him. A couple people called you a slut because they saw you making out with him earlier." I looked down at her in shock. How did little kids know words like that? I went back to cleaning her cut.

"And who told you this?" She pointed out a two little girls and boy, "And how are there partners?" She pointed at Mike, Jessica and Lauren, "Well guess what?" She leaned forward a little, "There friends are sluts. Really they are. Just look at the blonde one you pointed too…"

And just then Lauren bent down so her little mini skirt didn't even cover her ass and showed off her ratty ass thong. And her shirt was still see through. Even though I got it went _hours _ago.

She giggled at this. I finally finished with her knee and put a Band-Aid over it. I put a kiss on it, and she gave me a small smile, "Don't worry it will get better. And trust me I miss being a kid. Scraped knees are _a lot_ easier to fix then a broken heart…" I looked away from her and bit my lip to keep the tears from falling.

This time it was Amelia's time to hug me. And it felt good to get the affection of a child. And such a sweet child at that, she didn't need to be ridiculed. "Come on let's go find a quiet place to read. But just one moment I need to say something to _Alice_."

_Violate all The love that I'm missing__  
__Throw away all the pain that I'm living__  
__You will believe in me__  
__And I can never be ignored_

I slowly stalked towards her, glaring at her. I finally got as close as I wanted to get. And we were about a foot apart. "**What the hell is wrong with you?** Didn't you see that she was getting ridiculed by those douches!" I pretty much yelled in her face.

She put her finger to her lip to signalize to be quiet. She then turned to whisper in my ear, "I was in the middle of a vision for the longest time. So I'm sorry." She sad with big doe eyes. They looked so stupid on her though.

"Just stop with the fucking doe eyes. That is bullshit, I get you were in a vision but still! God damn! And please you can't pull off the doe eyes, only Addie can." Out of all my old friends I missed Addie the second to most. Firstly Sebastian though. I missed him a lot.

"Is that why you can't be my friend, because you miss your old ones so much?" She sounded a little peeved. What a bitch! I didn't want to be her friend because she left me for 8 months!

"Wow, Alice, just fucking _wow_. That was just fan-fucking-tastic. Fuck you, okay. I don't want to be your friend because you fucking left me for 8 months! I don't want to be your friend because after all that time apart, you were just a bitch to me!

"And guess fucking what? Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest, it's about who came and never left your side." I spat that in her face, and stormed off. I went to Amelia and grabbed her hand and walked to a more secluded part of the park.

_This is going to be a long motherfucking day… _

_I would die for you__  
__I would kill for you__  
__I will steal for you__  
__I'd do time for you__  
__I would wait for you__  
__I'd make room for you__  
__I'd sail ships for you__  
__To be close to you__  
__To be a part of you__  
__'Cause I believe in you__  
__I believe in you__  
__I would die for you._

**A/N: Longest chapter yet! How was it? Did you like it? Bella has finally found her emotions! But when will she be ready? Ya so it's sort of a bit of a cliffy…but oh well. This chapter took 4 days to write! So yeah…and how did you like the song? I was watching Romeo and Juliet and heard this song and was like…"HEY THAT FITS PERFECTLY WITH A NICE E/B RELATIONSHITP! : )" So yeah…LOVE YOU! **


	12. Can Anyone Hear Me?

**How Can Life Go On? **

**Chapter Eleven: Can Anyone Hear Me?**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight. Or Mortician's Daughter by Black Veil Brides.**

_I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.__  
__Is it over yet, in my head?__  
__I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.__  
__Is it over yet? I can't win.  
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.__  
__I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.__  
__I'm going all the way, get away, please._

Amelia and I were lying on the wet grass, far away from everyone else. Suddenly Amelia sat up from her laying possession on my stomach, "Bella, are you and that guy 'together.'" She put are quotations are the last word.

I sat straight up in shock. "Umm. No Amelia, we are not. We are just really old friends." I explained to her, in a monotone voice. I remember at the beginning of all this crap, I wish I was. But now…I have no idea.

"Really? 'Cause it looks differently. You guys making out, going into the woods together… If you guys aren't a couple then you have a messed up way of showing it." She mumbled the last part of that under her breath. Damn these smart ass kids! Then can get really annoying sometimes.

I turned to her to give her a stiff glare, "Well we **aren't!** So leave the subject alone!" My voice was full of ice. Well what do you expect? Some subjects you just don't bring up. And Edward was defiantly one of those subjects…

I looked over at Edward at that second. He had a pained expression on his face, and every few seconds he would take a glance at me. But other then that he just glared down, talking to Marcus.

"Excuse me Amelia. I'm going for a smoke…" I put my hand on her back to lift her a little off of me before I stood up and dusted myself off. "I'll be back in a few." I muttered waving it off, and walking to the trees.

I sat wear I was standing earlier, and grabbed a cigarette from my backpack. I reached down to grab my lighter from my pocket, but it wasn't there. I then remember today's events, and walked to the slow burning embers. I kneeled next to the fire, and lit my cigarette with the fire, and grabbed my lighter from the pit. I looked over the fire and saw a scrap of clothing.

I grabbed it from the ground, and turned it over and over in my hands. It was a piece from Laurent's jacket. It was burned on all of the sides, and was blacked from all the smoke. But I could tell it was his jacket. I put the piece of cloth in my pocket, and turned around.

"I thought you knew we weren't a couple…"I muttered, walking past Edward, to the tree trunk I was sitting on just a few hours ago. I took a drag from my cigarette and knocked off the ash on the tip.

"And I thought you weren't _that much, _against it Bella." His face looked heartbroken. Well no shit it does! Fucking I broke his heart! And probably saying that to Amelia didn't fucking help! God damn me! I fucking suck! I hate myself, and I hate him, but I hate myself more!

"Well Edward! What the fuck am I suppose to say to her! Huh? Last time I checked I hate that I love you! You are passionately in love with me! And the most bonding we've done since I've seen you is when I was completely high and we were having sex, or you just murdered someone!" I was screaming the words at him. I don't know why, but I was.

"Well Bella…what the fuck am _I_ suppose to do? All I've done is be nice to you, listen to you, take your verbal abuse, and more! What the fuck am I suppose to do? I'm fucking in love you with! But you keep fucking saying '_I love you…but it isn't enough.' _Then what fucking is Bella? Fucking answer that!" He was steaming…but why the fuck should he be so mad? He has nothing to be mad about!

"Fuck you Edward. Just…go fuck yourself. I don't need your shit. Because loving you isn't enough. I need to trust you; I need to believe in you. I need to know that you're going to **stay.** Do you know what it's like not having the person you love? It fucking hurts!" I explained it all with my teeth gritted.

"Yes Bella, I fucking know! I've had to deal with it as much as you have! Not having the person you love for 8 months, then when you see her, and you are so god damn happy and all she has to say is 'fuck you.' It does fucking hurt." He sneered the words. He was now leaning over me and gripped the sides of the tree trunk.

"No you don't know. You knew that I loved you. And you had that keeping you going. But I didn't! As far as I knew, you didn't love me or want me. I would sit there staring out the window you used to come in and out of each morning and night, just watching the world pass me by. Month after month.

"September, October, and November. Before I finally cracked. I would think that there was nothing to live for, I would break down and fucking cry, because I knew I could never love anyone as much as I loved you. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't listen to music, I couldn't do anything!

"And you? You had your family. I didn't have anyone! Sure I had Charlie. But how fucking useful is Charlie? Especially when all I wanted was you! And each time I brought a pipe to my mouth or a needle to my arm, I always saw your disappointed face staring down at me. Always telling me, _'You promised you wouldn't do anything reckless,' _and every time I had the same words repeating in my head, _'You promised not to leave…'_." I was in tears now, pushing away from him now and walking deeper into the trees throwing down my cigarette.

"Bella wait! BELLA!" I heard him yelling at me, I felt a rush of wind next to me, and to cold hands clench around my arm. "Bella please wait. I understand what you said-"

I cut him off by throwing his hand off my arm. I stood at my full high and gave him the fiercest glare I could muster, "No Edward. You don't understand. And you never will. And you have to understand _that _if we ever even become friends again!" I looked at his shocked face and pained eyes, "Who the fuck am I kidding? You'll always be my friend. Sometimes I wish you weren't my friend, so I could hurt you in the end and not hurt myself in the process."

I looked up at him one more, my pained eyes meeting his. I wiped away a tear the rolled down my cheek. I turned on my heel, and started walking the other direction. "Why do you always do that?"

I looked over my shoulder at him. He was staring at the ground and kicking the dirt around, "Do what? What the fuck do I do know?" I said rolling my eyes.

"Say something you know pains the both of us then walk away. You seem to do it a lot." He looked at me through his preverbal vision and glanced at me. He looked so rejected, hurt, and miserable. It broke my heart all over again.

"Because I rather suffer in silence, then have you hold me and tell me it's going to be okay just like you used too." I whispered under my breath, but I know he heard me. I could tell because he let out a sob, which caused a small pang in my heart.

"Whatever Bella, just don't talk to me unless you've made up your mind. I'm getting tired of this bullshit." He hissed under his breath. And before I could say anything I felt a rush of wind and Edward was gone.

It was almost as worse as the first time he left me in the forest…

_You take the breath right out of me.__  
__You left a hole where my heart should be.__  
__You got to fight just to make it through,__  
__'cause I will be the death of you.__  
__This will be all over soon.__  
__Pour salt into the open wound._  
_Is it over yet? Let me in.__  
__So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.__  
__I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.__  
__I'm going all the way, get away, please._

I ran out of the trees to see everyone going back on the bus. I walked to where Alice was standing with Amelia and whispered into Alice's ear, "I guess your brother's done with me now." I said in a chilling voice, "Does that mean you're going to torture me more, or leave me alone?" I smirked at her.

"You'd be highly mistaken if you think I would ever leave you alone for a second." Smirking back at me. What a bitch! Not surpassing the bitchiness of the plane ride, but being bitchier then she used to be. Cunt.

"Well, a hardy, fuck you too, then." I said climbing up the steps to the bus. I trudged back to my seat and sat down with a huff. Why must the Cullen's torment me like this? What did I ever do to make them hate me like this? I only went catatonic, was drug addicted for months, and finally when I see them again I blame all the shit that's been going wrong in my crap-shoot of a life on them.

_That's it!_

"What's it?" I heard Amelia say from beside me. I looked down at her and raised an eyebrow. She raised one right back…I must have said it out loud…oops.

"Nothing Amelia, I just had an epiphany." I stood up and started walking up the bus. I walked up to Edward who was laughing and talking to Emmett and Jasper, about God Knows What.

I walked up to him and nudged him in the leg with my foot, "Bella don't you think I knew that you were standing right next to me, I could smell you from a mile away," I gasped, what a dick! "It was meant as a compliment…"

I hit him in the back of the head…it hurt me more. Sad. "Don't be a dickhead Edward; I actually wanted to say something important to you," I pointed at him.

"Let me guess…Fuck you? No, no, no…how about you're a dickhead? No? Douche?" He said with sarcasm clear in his voice.

"No…but right there, you were a douche. I only came over here to say," This is the big one Bella. Don't just stand here looking like an idiot. Just say it! "It's not your fault." And after those words I ran like hell.

I slid back into my seat and peered over the next bench at Edward. He just sat there dumbstruck. I looked over at Alice and it seemed that she was having a silent conversation with Edward.

"Alice?" I said nudging her in the arm, "Alice, what's wrong? What did you see?" I whispered the last part into her ear. I kept poking her in the arm until she finally turned to me. I looked to her face and saw that she had a full on death stare at me…

"Don't you even think about it Isabella! Don't even think about it!" She whisper yelled at me. What was she talking about? I have no idea…

"What are you talking about Alice? I haven't planned to do anything…" At least that's what I want her to think…

"It's not completely planned out I can see that. But Bella please don't do this…I'm begging you!" She was pleading with me now. How did she even know? I haven't even planned barely any of it!

"Whatever Alice…"

_You take the breath right out of me.__  
__You left a hole where my heart should be.__  
__You got to fight just to make it through,__  
__'cause I will be the death of you I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating._

Today went by so slowly! At least I'm finally home. What am I going to do? Guh…I'm so stupid…

I was thinking this as I stepped out of my shoes, grabbed my belt loops and yacked down my pants, pulled off my jacket, and slid off my hat and threw it onto my dresser.

I grabbed my bag of toiletries while pulling off my socks…stupid move. Fell on my face. Smart. I still finished my mission and made it to the bathroom. I grabbed my make-up remover and rubbed it onto my face then washed it off. I looked up at my refection and got sick.

I turned to the toilet and emptied the small contents of my stomach. My reflection…it's… _disgusting!_ I got up flushed the toilet and looked back at my reflection. The dark circles under the eyes, the pasty blotchy skin, and the deadness of my eyes. I hate myself.

I quickly looked away from myself. I finished cleaning my face and mouth, and as I was putting away my toothbrush I saw something gleam in the bathroom light. My razor… I quietly grabbed it and held it to my wrist, I made 3 deep incisions.

I made a fast rush and cleaned up all the blood and my arm. I put an ICP and Slipknot cloth wristband over them and went back to my room. I put on my black beanie and bunny slippers, grabbed my Jack Skellington blanket, and pack of camels and walked over to the window.

I opened it roughly since it was a bit rusty, dusted off some broken glass, and stuck one leg out and kept on leg in. I lit a cigarette and put it into my mouth. With each draw I felt a weight falling off my shoulders.

"I hope you do know that smoking is really bad for you…" I looked at the tree and there, crouched down, was a Greek God.

"I hope you know, I don't really care…" I said taking another draw, "Why are you here anyway? I thought you were done with me…" I said my voice low and in pain.

"I was, until you said that today. Because I realized I need to ask you…why? How is **all** of this not my fault?" He sounded angry. But more at himself then me.

"Well some of it is your fault, but most of it wasn't. Most of it was actually me. I have been a complete dumbass fro almost a year now, and I apologize for taking that out on you." I said with so much sincerity in my voice that it actually shocked me.

"Its fine Bella." He leaned from the tree and stroked me cheek, and gave that cute crooked smile that I love. Gosh he was so beautiful, that is going to make this so much worse.

"Edward, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving." I looked into his eyes as mine filled with tears. "But I want you to know…I do love you." And with that I threw my bud, stood up, and gave him a long kiss to the lips. Then closed my window to the rest of the world.

_You take the breath right out of me.__  
__You left a hole where my heart should be.__  
__You got to fight just to make it through,__  
__'cause I will be the death of you._

A/N: Sad isn't it? I'm sorry it was such a crappy ending for this chapter. And sorry that I haven't updated in so long! Down throw the stones, I have a good reason! I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! Yes I know happy! 5 months pregnant, with what they think is a little girl! Oh joy! But all the reason that I haven't updated sooner also is that I came across a hard part, and I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia. But its only high blood pressure, and it wasn't that bad so they only had my there for 3 days and are now making me rest : )

**And also if you have any questions about this chapter just send a review or PM me and I will answer it in my next update or just message back the answer. I love you all my little readers!**


	13. I'm Gone

**How Can Life Go On? **

**Chapter Twelve: I'm Gone**

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Twilight, or Lonely by Yael Naim **

**(P.S. Sorry I messed up on the disclaimer yesterday, I was going to use that song but then I chose not too (: )**

_You are not alone__  
__I am here with you__  
__Even when you're scared__  
__I'll never leave you__  
__Standing in a storm_

All I could hear was a deafening silence. Even thought I was in an airport full of screaming people, rustling families, and bustling people. All I could hear was silence. It was like I was underwater. I just sat there on a bench staring at the starry night sky outside. All I could hear was the muffled shouts of the fellow humans in the building, the gushing of my regular breathing, and the fate heartbeat in my ears.

I have no idea why I came. Or why I'm here. I guess I was just looking for acceptance. And I knew I would get it here. But maybe not, I could be looking for anything, anything at all. But I know its not love or life. I left that behind me, in the small depressing town of Forks. But I know I'm never going back there. So why even bother.

I was pulled out of my thoughts but a small tap to my shoulder, and a small voice saying, "It's nice to see you again Bella." And I looked up to the smiling face of my old friend Addie.

**5 Weeks Later**

"Bellsie! Wake up! Its time to wake up! It's a new day, the sun is out, and its time for you to WAKE UP!" Manda screamed the last part in my face. I opened one eye to see her face right in front of mine. After I got over my initial shock I glared at her with my one opened eye.

"Fuck off Manda. I'm trying to sleep." I said with a yawn and turned the other way. Why could she just go away? Can't she see I don't want to be bothered? I've been really tired lately.

"Fine but only for another 30 minutes. We are going out to Café Rouge in 1 hour for lunch." She said as she got up and slapped my ass. "So try to wake up, will you? We are going to have some nice omelets!" As soon as she said that I felt my stomach lurch. I got up and rushed to the bathroom before spilling my guts into the loo.

_Making it insane__  
__Once again, I would try__  
__To enchain you__  
__But you open your eyes to the sky__  
__and whisper_

"BELLA! What's wrong?" Addie ran up and started rubbing my back. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked up at her shocked face.

"I'm not sure. Just Manda talking about things made out of eggs made me feel sick. I'm not sure why thought." And thinking about eggs again made me spill my guts. I felt Addie still rubbing my back and running her hand through my hair (which had already grown out to my shoulders and was brown again.)

"Manda? What did you say about the eggs?" Addie looked angrily at her, with tight lips and sharp eyes.

"I only said stuff about omelets. She wouldn't get out of bed, and I wanted her out of bed. But I guess not this way…" Her sentence kind of died away at the end of it. She started shuffling her feet and looking at the floor.

"Tired, getting disgusted at certain foods, ate us out of house and home yesterday…Bella did you miss your menstrual?" Addie looked very seriously at me. I blushed a bit, but then realized that I did…I didn't no why it mattered though. But I nodded yes anyway.

"Okay. I'm going to the pharmacy, I will be back soon. You wait here." And she ran from the room. That got me a little peeved though. She didn't even tell me what she was worrying about.

I stood up and sped to the top stair and yelled down, "Addison Jennifer Webb! Get back here and tell me what's going on! Jeez! You annoy me so much!" I leaned against the wall to regulate my breathing.

"Can't say Isabella Marie Swan…because I'm not appositely sure. But I will be back I will be back in 15, then we will make sure." Then I heard the door slam shut.

I grunted and walked into my room. I shut the door behind me and sat down on my bed. I rested my eyes on the heals of my hands. I heard my door squeak open and closed. I looked up to see Sebastian.

I was a little shocked at his presence. I know that he lives her and all, but I barely ever see him since he's still recovering, because it's only been about 5 weeks. "Hey Bella. All right?" He asked. I just smiled and nodded. I patted the seat next to me to tell him to take a seat.

When he sat he put his hands in his lap. I looked down and saw the clear outlines of the horrific scars that mark both of his arms. I didn't realize I was staring until he started fidgeting. "You know, you staring at my arms like that is getting me bloody brassed off, as well you're being a completely arse." He exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand your British mumbo-jumbo." **(A/N: Something that my friends used to say when I tried to talk to them :P) **He smiled at this and pulled me close to his side.

I tensed up very quickly. I hadn't been this close to a man since I talked to Edward. He let go of me after that and gave me a sorry smile. I gave him a small smile back and looked down. He got up and left the room before I could tell him not to. I realized then, that I could never have a relationship with anyone besides Edward. I'd be alone forever…

I stood up and walked over to my wardrobe, and grabbed some jeans and a grey tank top. I quickly dressed, and put on a white sweater and some black flats and ran down the stairs. I ran out the door before anyone could stop me and out to the tree in the backyard.

I scaled the tree all the way to the middle of the tree. I would never be able to do this if I wasn't on a mission. I got to the thickest part of the, and sat there in the darkest of the leaves.

I sat there in the comforting darkness remembering the dark, nature filled home that I miss. I silently let the tears fall from my eyes. I cried for the family I lost, for the home I lost, and for the heart I lost. I cried for the love I left there, and I cried because I knew I could never get back there. _I was in England! _I was thousands of miles away but all I want is to go home.

I what Charlie, I want Jacob, I want Alice, I want Emmett, I want all of my family back. But most of all I want my Edward back. But you can't always get what you want. And I don't think I'll be able to get them back again.

Just as the tears were starting to dry up, I felt bile rising to my throat. I turned and vomited out of the tree. I slowly got down from the tree and wiped my mouth and eyes.

"And that's another sign…come with me, now." Addie said from behind me, grabbed my hand, and ran us into the house and to the bathroom. She shoved a plastic bag into my hand and pulled us through the door.

She grabbed the bag back and pulled a box out of it. She ribbed open the box and gave me a…_pregnancy test? _"What's this for?" I gave her a questionable look.

"I think your pregnant." She simply said. I gave her a look of shock, "Fine then! Prove me wrong!"

_That you are so lonely__  
__You are so alone__  
__You're so alone__  
__You're so lonely, so lonely_

I sat there scared as fuck. I wouldn't even look at the sticks. Then the egg timer went off for the 5 minutes, and Addie hopped off the edge of the shower, "**TIME!**" she exclaimed. And picked up the first test.

She made a little puffing sound with every test she looked at. She turned to me with a straight face that slowly turned into a smile, "You're a mommy!" she squealed and ran up and started rubbing my flat stomach.

"Wait what! I have a kid inside here!" I pointed down at my stomach. She nodded, "How many of the tests were positive?"

"All of them! Face it Bella you're a momma! Is it Sebastian's?" I was about to I'm not sure but then I remembered that vampires couldn't have kids so it had to be his.

"Yeah, it is." I didn't say it with much enthusiasm in my voice. I kind of wanted it to be Edward's. it would have given me a closer connection to him, and I wanted all the ties to him as I could.

"Oh goodie! I just love babies! They are so adorable! And your baby is going to be _so_ cute!" Addie squeaked. She was bouncing on her knees in front of me. I don't know how she could be so excited. I'm an 18 year old girl having a baby out of wed lock, with someone I don't even love.

"Addie just, just don't tell Sebastian. I don't want him to know. Because I'm not absolutely sure…" I made up the lie at the very end of it. It had to be Sebastian's. Because I only had sex with him and Edward in the last 2 months.

"Okay, I won't tell him. I promise." And she smiled, gave me a huge hug, and skipped from the room. I stood up and stretched my back. I was about to walk out of the room when I looked over to the pregnancy tests. I picked them up and threw then into the plastic bag, all but one. I'm keeping this one.

**2 Months Later**

I have been pregnant for 3 and half months. It's been 8 weeks since I found out I was pregnant, and I'm already showing. The bump may not be super big, but its there. And I love it, it shows that I'm pregnant, and it shows how I have my baby. But the bad thing about it is that now my whole family knows I'm pregnant and they keep making up of me.

It's putting me under a lot of stress. And my gynecologist told me yesterday (my 4th appointment) that being in a stressful environment isn't good for my baby. So I'm thinking about leaving. But where would I go? I am can't say here, and I can't go back to Forks. Maybe I should stay with Renee; hopefully she would take me in.

_So I'm coloring my face__  
__While I am here with you__  
__Imagining the landscape of your sorrow__  
__Is it yellow or blue?_

I got out of bed and dressed in my maternity clothes. I put on a white shirt, skinny jeans, a gray hoodie, and some UGG boots. I grabbed my suit cases and trudged down the stairs. The family had gone out for a film at the cinema, so this would be an easy escape.

I ran my bags to Josh's truck and threw my bags in the back. I ran to the driver's seat and put the keys in the ignition. i spend down the street and into town. I passed all the busy shops and past all the bustling people. I wouldn't miss this at all.

I finally got to the airport, and walked up to the counter, and looked at the smiling lady. "One ticket to Florida please."

"Okay the flight will leave at 4:30 that is about 2 hours away. And may I ask you how pregnant are you?" she said inclining her head to my enlarger stomach. She was only asking for health reasons but for some strange reason I felt a little offended.

"15 weeks, Miss…Sanders." And I gave her a cutesy smile. She smiled back. I paid for my ticket and walked the café they hand so I could get a bite to eat before the plane was ready to talk off.

The plane was ready to board so I got up and waddled to the exit gate. I showed my passport and walked through the detectors and boarded the plane **(A/N: I didn't feel like going all into it.)**

Well I'm going to see my mom now. That makes everything slightly better…

_Coloring the sky, and the threes__  
__and the clouds, and the moonlight__  
__I'd colored your heart__  
__If you didn't I did__  
_

_And I wish you could just find home_

**A/N: YES! It is one of those stories! I just love babies right now since I'm going to have one (: so yes she's going to have a kid. And also I think you figured that is actually is Edward's so I'm just saying now that it's not Renesmee. It is something of my own creation.**

**And also this chapter is so short, but I just updated my story so you should be lucky (: and also I did this because I might not update in a while, a while like 1 or 2 weeks not months lol. **


End file.
